There is a huge number of milongueras who feel uncomfortable in the game of invitations. Even more consider saying ‘no’ to invitations an impossible mission.
If you are one of these, this article will give you some ideas how it should be done. If, on the other side, you are a man, this article will maybe explain some behaviors of the ladies you invite, it should give you clues how ladies are avoiding your invitations.
Last week, when I published the article with mirada tips from experienced milongueras, there was an interesting debate on Facebook over should ladies refuse invitations…
I completely understand the frustrations of beginners, but on the other hand, nobody should be obliged to accept invitations. Part of the idea of inviting is the possibility to be refused… and you should accept refusal without personal feelings.
Of course, it is a kind of a social responsibility to dance with beginners in small local milongas or practicas, but when it comes to big international events, I don’t think there is such obligation.
There is also this small terrible group of men who don’t put forth the effort to improve their dancing. They neither take classes, nor try to replace their lack of talent with hard work… and many of them don’t even care and get upset when refused. In those cases, I believe that ladies who care about the development of their tango community have an obligation to refuse to dance with those so-called dancers.
NOTE: I know that there are ladies who accept even these dancers, just because there are no other men in their community. To them I would say, “Please, if you want a healthy community – motivate some friends, neighbors or relatives to start dancing tango…” I strongly believe that pity dances are damaging the community and your dancing as well.
[Tweet “If he is disrespectful enough to approach and ask verbally, you have every right to return “the favor” in similar manner.”]
So, the question: “How to refuse invitations?” I made a list of 10 ways to do it. Please be aware that they are not ready-made solutions – consider them as ideas that can work only in certain situations.
1. Leave the milonga – If there are no good partners at all, it may be better to leave the milonga. It’s better to leave than have frustrating experience. Go and spend some time with your non-tango friends.
2. Get some drinks – Visit the bar at the back of the milonga. If there are no good partners available, consider leaving the room. Go to the bar and socialize a bit – return when the tanda finishes and the good dancers are available again.
3. Talk to your friends – Although I don’t like when people are talking too much at milongas, I believe that it is a good way to avoid unwanted invitations. Talking is a good excuse to avoid cabeceo if you feel uncomfortable to do it in a direct way.
4. Don’t look at them – Avoiding eye contact is the first signal that you don’t want to dance with them, and those partners who are respectful will understand your message.
5. Look away – If he catches you with his mirada and you still don’t want to dance with him, show no reaction. Just look away.
Let me add something here! I always respect the women who are confident to look me at the eyes and turn the head. This means “I’ve seen you, but I don’t want to dance with you!” This gives me freedom to search for another partner instead of asking myself, did she notice me? Should I try again?
6. Take off your shoes – This is obvious signal: “I don’t want to dance anymore – I am tired.”
7. Say “I am tired!” – If the partner doesn’t respect you and approaches to ask you verbally – you can always say that you are tired.
Don’t feel guilty. If he is disrespectful enough to approach and ask verbally, you have every right to return “the favor” in similar manner.
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8. Simulate injury – Say “I injured my ankle!” Avoid dancing the same tanda with another partner if you don’t want to offend the man you just rejected.
9. Say “I am sorry, I promised this tanda to someone else” – … and you can continue making mirada, searching that “someone else.”
10. Say “I don’t want to dance with you” – NO! I would never recommend this – avoid saying this by all costs. There is too much ego in tango and people get offended.
I believe that this list can be longer. Do you have some experience that can be added to this list? Share it in the comment section so we can all benefit from it.
And also, don’t forget to share this article with your tango friends. I am thankful for that.
Thanks for the useful tips… Any suggestions how to say no to one of your regular dancers? So that he gets the message that I still want to dance with him but less? I recently started to notice that he smells which I find quite distastefull….
Hm, that’s a tricky one… I don’t think there is an universal formula that will work in every case – you have to decide which approach works best with the kind of person you are dealing with. If he is close to you and open to criticism – you can even tell him in a polite way what bothers you. In most cases I think that will not work, so you will have to find a way around… small excuses can work – like “I am tired” or “I don’t like this tanda”…. “I have to dance with other partners more” can also work… or “I’ve got an advice from a teacher that I should not dance too much with same partners”.
I hope this helps.
I hate the polite lies as both a leader and follower. If a follower is watching dancers or during with her she’s or doing anything other than scanning for others then she is not interested. Perhaps not this particular music (with you or at all), or perhaps not with you at this event or ever.
When dancers approach me verbally in either role, I ask them if they love the music. If the answer is anything other than yes I tell them to cabeceo me when they love the music.
Hi! Thank you for the Blog.
Yes! It is useful to know how to say “no”. For both.
By the other side, do you have a Blog about how to say “yes”?
Of course Carlos – here it is
https://tangomentor.com/mirada-tips/
Some venues don’t support standard cabeceo. Instead, men wander about where non-dancers are gathered, trying to catch the eye of a woman who is standing. In this case, just look away. If mistaken eye contact, intended for another man standing nearby, just shake head if the mistaken man approaches.
For spoken invitations, just say “No thank you” if you don’t ever want to dance with the man. Lying is more offensive because it implies the man can’t tolerate truth.
Say “Maybe later” only if you really mean it. Likewise for “Dont like music” or “Not milonga, thank you. Only tango or vals”. Otherwise man may approach again later.
I’m a man, BTW. Dancing with a woman who doesn’t want to dance is usually awful, since she invariably dances as far apart as possible. I’d much rather not dance at all.
Hey Frank, I agree with all you say 100%
Another factor for refusal is the hygiene topic. I am short and in close embrace I get “hit” with leads that don’t use deodorant OR didn’t change clothes to go to the Milonga.
There are natural products such as baking powder that can neutralize bacterial body odor!!
Ah 🙁 Do we have even to talk to people about this? 🙁
If approached verbally:
You can always say that you don’t like the music of this tanda.
I would like to disagree with you on the last point. I believe there are indeed moments in which a clear and sharp – no, i dont want to dance with you (ever again) – is the only option.
I assume you are starting your list of suggestions with the assumption that all dancers involved are behaving in a civilized way. Sadly, this is not always the case.
So, if a person behaves in a way that is not acceptable to me and they continue doing so even after i politely ask them to stop, i have no problem saying – we are not dancing ever again, do not approach me again. I will not politely dance around someones sexual, mental or emotional harassment just to spare their ego.
Well, I think you’re right, there are insensitive bastards 🙂 But on the other hand, one has to be cautious especially with those kind of people.