How to achieve good connection?

There is no good dancing if you aren’t able to connect your partner. Even beginners understand this and, yet, people leave that to be achieved by accident, without any intentional action. It’s often defined as something which depends on the ‘chemistry’ or compatibility of partners.

But what if I tell you that there are things you can and you should do to have better connection with the partners you dance to? In my opinion, what we refer to as chemistry, is often overrated and can be changed by intentional action.

“Ivica, why you don’t dance with her? She is so elegant and experienced dancer. Why you dance more with people who are not that good?”, asked my tango friend.

He was just curious, but I knew that there are people who criticized me for avoiding some partners and dancing more with others, even with beginners.

“Because she is not open when she dances and I don’t get from her what I value in the dance the most: the connection”, I answered.

This article is all about the reasons why was this my answer.

In the past five years most of enrollments my online dancers mentoring program are from people who want to have better connection with their partners.

Sometimes they really need some help, but often they just need a little encouragement to execute on what they already know. This is why I think reading this article can reassure you that what you think might be correct.

There are three aspects of a good connection in tango: emotional, physical and social. This article addresses all of them.

1. Start right

It’s hard to button up a shirt in a proper way if the first button misses the right hole. Start the tanda in the best possible way.

First and the most important thing is to be sure that your partner dances with you because he/she wants to and not because feels uncomfortable to decline your invitation. As I explained that in my post about the cabeceo, it’s necessary to start the communication in a way that the partner feels he/she has been respected.

Why do we need cabeceo/mirada?

Inviting people in respectful way is much more than a ritual or politeness. It’s one of the guarantees that the doors are being opened for you.

If you are not satisfied with the number and the quality of dances you get, don’t think that aggressive invitations will change something. Instead try to improve your dancing, get better teachers, put on better attitude. That way you’ll enjoy more and you’ll let the others have better time as well.

It’s also important to start with a smile. It’s a sign of friendly and polite behavior which can help your partner open up easier.

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2. Be positive and relaxed

Let me begin this point with an example. It’s a segment of a conversation which I had with one of my most favorite dancers. She is a teacher and experienced dancers, a former participant of the Tango Mundial in Buenos Aires. We talked about her favorite dancers and when I asked her to explain why she likes one of them, she said:

“It feels like he’s in love in my dancing. I don’t feel that he is bothered if I make mistake. There is no judging, no forcing or insisting on anything. I feel like he unconditionally accepts everything that I do”, she said.

This is something which I have heard few times before. People like to feel accepted when they express themselves. Dancing is exactly that – expressing who you are. You can’t expect good connection if you are not able to accept how your partner is dancing.

I had this problem myself. As a teacher I formed this bad habit of analyzing of my partners’ dance. I had to work on myself a lot to change that and to get more enjoyment in their dancing and their energy. And also, to allow them to enjoy in my dancing and my energy.

It’s also important what you say to your partner in the pause between songs. Being flexible, having positive attitude is a key to a better connection. Don’t complain about the organization of the milonga, about the quality of the music, about the floor – rather than that say what do you like, what is good. Trust me, it will change your experience: and it will change the way people feel when they are dancing with you.

3. Follow

The core of the art of connecting is to learn how to read your partner.

Tango isn’t about the movement – it’s about the emotion. Learn how to read the emotion of your partner and try to dance to it, try to add to it, try to shape it. It doesn’t matter what role you’re dancing, it’s a play of emotions and energies and that’s what makes tango so magical.

If you are dancing the mans role and you feel that your partner is becoming tense, you should try to follow her emotion and use more relaxing posture and choice of steps. If you feel she is uncomfortable with some of the steps you use – stop using them. If you feel she needs more energetic movements – adapt and start dancing more energetically. Don’t forget that the she is always the emotional drive of the couple – if you are not willing to follow that, she will disconnect.

If you are dancing the womans role be always aware to lead the emotion in a smooth way. Be confident, let him feel you, let him understand how you want that emotion to be shaped. Never forget that your primary goal is to focus on the connection. Let him construct the choreography – you just paint it with your color.

4. Give

Tango is like life. You must learn to give first, in order to be able to receive. The biggest enjoyment will come to those who know how to give. It’s not about finding the perfect partners, it is about being the perfect partner.

When you dance tango you must give everything. If you can’t do that do not dance.

Ricardo Vidort

This means that when you dance you should focus on giving enjoyment to your partner. Create an experience.

That alone can lead you to enjoy yourself, to loose yourself, to get in a state of flow. It might seem mystical, but to me it’s the most natural thing: you must think of others in order to forget about yourself. The joy of dancing tango is all about forgetting, about getting out of this reality.

Trust your partner. Believe that he/she is also prepared to give. Emotionally, but physically as well. Leaning on the partner means trusting them and it’s one of the most important physical components of good connection.

5. Feel the moment

Tango is about enjoying the moment.

Be grateful for the moment and be grateful for the partner who shares that moment with you, who is enabling you that. Your partner will feel that and will respond accordingly. Be grateful for the music because it enables you to dance, be grateful for other dancers because every milonga is a collective embrace, without them there would be no milonga, and also, be grateful to the organizer who enabled this experience. Tango most of the time isn’t profitable activity for them, which means they invest a lot of love in it.

When you dance you connect with your partner in this moment. You should forget about the past steps and you shouldn’t try to predict what’s next (this is especially important for ladies). Thinking about the past and anticipating the future are things which are connected to the thinking, to the intellect – tango is quite opposite of that. Tango should be about feeling, not about thinking.