Tango Mentor

There's a better way

Uncategorized

10 ways to say “No”!

by Ivica Anteski ·

There is a huge number of milongueras who feel uncomfortable in the game of invitations. Even more consider saying ‘no’ to invitations an impossible mission.

If you are one of these, this article will give you some ideas how it should be done. If, on the other side, you are a man, this article will maybe explain some behaviors of the ladies you invite, it should give you clues how ladies are avoiding your invitations.

Last week, when I published the article with mirada tips from experienced milongueras, there was an interesting debate on Facebook over should ladies refuse invitations…

I completely understand the frustrations of beginners, but on the other hand, nobody should be obliged to accept invitations. Part of the idea of inviting is the possibility to be refused… and you should accept refusal without personal feelings.

Of course, it is a kind of a social responsibility to dance with beginners in small local milongas or practicas, but when it comes to big international events, I don’t think there is such obligation.

There is also this small terrible group of men who don’t put forth the effort to improve their dancing. They neither take classes, nor try to replace their lack of talent with hard work… and many of them don’t even care and get upset when refused. In those cases, I believe that ladies who care about the development of their tango community have an obligation to refuse to dance with those so-called dancers.

NOTE: I know that there are ladies who accept even these dancers, just because there are no other men in their community. To them I would say, “Please, if you want a healthy community – motivate some friends, neighbors or relatives to start dancing tango…” I strongly believe that pity dances are damaging the community and your dancing as well.

[Tweet “If he is disrespectful enough to approach and ask verbally, you have every right to return “the favor” in similar manner.”]

So, the question: “How to refuse invitations?” I made a list of 10 ways to do it. Please be aware that they are not ready-made solutions – consider them as ideas that can work only in certain situations.

1. Leave the milonga – If there are no good partners at all, it may be better to leave the milonga. It’s better to leave than have frustrating experience. Go and spend some time with your non-tango friends.

2. Get some drinks – Visit the bar at the back of the milonga. If there are no good partners available, consider leaving the room. Go to the bar and socialize a bit – return when the tanda finishes and the good dancers are available again.

3. Talk to your friends – Although I don’t like when people are talking too much at milongas, I believe that it is a good way to avoid unwanted invitations. Talking is a good excuse to avoid cabeceo if you feel uncomfortable to do it in a direct way.

4. Don’t look at them – Avoiding eye contact is the first signal that you don’t want to dance with them, and those partners who are respectful will understand your message.

5. Look away – If he catches you with his mirada and you still don’t want to dance with him, show no reaction. Just look away.

Let me add something here! I always respect the women who are confident to look me at the eyes and turn the head. This means “I’ve seen you, but I don’t want to dance with you!” This gives me freedom to search for another partner instead of asking myself, did she notice me? Should I try again?

6. Take off your shoes – This is obvious signal: “I don’t want to dance anymore – I am tired.”

7. Say “I am tired!” – If the partner doesn’t respect you and approaches to ask you verbally – you can always say that you are tired.

Don’t feel guilty. If he is disrespectful enough to approach and ask verbally, you have every right to return “the favor” in similar manner.

Hey, sorry to interrupt…

Do you like reading my articles? If you do please consider a small contribution to the existence of this blog.

I don’t sell a book or run ads: I share these articles for free. Unfortunately I also have to pay my bills, so if you see value in my work please consider a small donation/gratuity (the same way you tip your favorite bartender).
From my heart to yours!
Ivica

Thank you button

Securely processed via PayPal

8. Simulate injury – Say “I injured my ankle!” Avoid dancing the same tanda with another partner if you don’t want to offend the man you just rejected.

9. Say “I am sorry, I promised this tanda to someone else” – … and you can continue making mirada, searching that “someone else.”

10. Say “I don’t want to dance with you” – NO! I would never recommend this – avoid saying this by all costs. There is too much ego in tango and people get offended.

I believe that this list can be longer. Do you have some experience that can be added to this list? Share it in the comment section so we can all benefit from it.

And also, don’t forget to share this article with your tango friends. I am thankful for that.

Mirada tips from experienced milongueras

by Ivica Anteski ·

You can’t dance tango if you can’t invite someone to dance with you. Men do invitations by cabeceo, women invite by making miradas. Sounds simple, but we are not simple machines and when you get in the complex world of milonga it can get really messy.

And, it seams to me, for some women there is some extra complexity… I think this is result of the lack of information and help from their teachers or experienced dancers.

So, I decided to help you by writing this article and I promise you at the end you will have some answers to your questions about the mirada game…. Or maybe, more educated questions, but I am sure you will get closer to a smoother milonga experience.

We were drinking prosecco at the bar late that evening. There was a fast Canaro milonga playing and people were dancing, but I decided to skip this tanda. She was there for the same reason.

“In some communities they do ‘women invites’ time in milongas, so that every lady has opportunity to invite and dance with her favorite partner”, she said.

“… and when they do that, are the men allowed to do miradas?”, I interrupted her.

“Of course”, she said smiling.

“Than, if they can – what is the difference who invites? Mirada is also an invitation. No matter what you say who invites, with mirada or cabeceo – men and women have the same chance to invite”, I said.

“Yes, but I think this reminds them that they should be active”, she concluded.

I agree. Many women believe that in the game of invitations they should be passive and just wait for men to invite them.

Why do we need cabeceo/mirada?

Many, even some experienced milongueras, told me that there is something they don’t like and even something unpleasant about inviting a man to dance with them. And, many are not sure how it’s done.

[Tweet “Making mirada is not a rocket science! Try it!”]

This is why I decided to ask some of my friends, experienced milongueras, teachers or organizers to share with my readers what they do when they want to invite or be invited.

Have a gameplan

Many women want to go to the milongas early on, so they can get the best position for invitations. I asked Wenche Stribolt a dancer and organizer from Sweden, with more than 20 years of experience, if where she sits is important?

“It is important to see and being seen. You should not have the men behind you, but in front of you. No rocket science… “, she explains.

Birgitt from Germany, known among her tango friends as Mariposita, dances more than 22 years. She explains the process of invitations with four words: attention, look, smile, mirada.

“Go and sit with open mind, with open eyes, with a smile, and in a good mood”, is her advice to unexperienced milongueras.

Wenche also underlines the importance of greeting potential partners with a smile.

“First, if the one I know and want to dance with I make sure to greet them with a smile, then I catch their eye and they invite me. If I don’t know the person, but would like to dance with him, I try to get eye contact, smile and if he is interested he invites”, she explains the process.

Hey, sorry to interrupt…

Do you like reading my articles? If you do please consider a small contribution to the existence of this blog.

I don’t sell a book or run ads: I share these articles for free. Unfortunately I also have to pay my bills, so if you see value in my work please consider a small donation/gratuity (the same way you tip your favorite bartender).
From my heart to yours!
Ivica

Thank you button

Securely processed via PayPal

Avoid insecurities

As I mentioned, to many women the game of invitations is sometimes uncomfortable.

Tina Riccardi, Italian in her heart and nationality, Belgian by birth is very experienced dancer and teacher for more than 15 years. Her advice to those of you who feel uncomfortable inviting is that the tango is a lesson in life that can transform you.

“When it was time to ‘cabeceo’, I lowered my eyes, I looked at my feet. There was no way I was going to look at anyone!”, she tells a story from milongas on her first trip to Buenos Aires in 2004.

“On the last day of my two week stay, I finally had a hint of courage and was able to dance at least two or three tandas. The first spark finally came to the surface, and little by little, I could only function with the cabeceo invitation. I find it so much more subtle and refined than to any other way of inviting!”, explains Tina.

Be social

Having social skills can help a lot in the game of invitations. You have to be open and curious and to learn about the people you want to dance to.

“The most important thing is to have an open mind: be open for other people, make contact, talk, laugh, flirt… If you don’t want to dance, then go and stay in a ‘cage’, behind the ‘walls’”, explains Birgitt.

She says that it is very important to be curious about unknown people.

“It is sometimes very difficult, but if you talk to the potential partners, if you get to know them makes it easier”, says Birgitt.

What if he refuses?

Inviting means that there is a possibility of refusal. This applies for men and for women as well. What to do if he doesn’t answer to your miradas?

“It is quite straight forward. You have to try few times, but if he isn’t interested then I leave it to someone else”, says Wenche.

When the men is not responding, Tina also suggests trying few times.

“If it does not work right away, wait for the next tanda, or longer, before trying the invitation again. Above all, do not insist on wanting to invite someone who won’t look at you. It could make her/him feel uncomfortable, and put you in a bad mood! Let it go. It may happen later… Or not.”, she concludes.

Doing an extra step (use with caution)

It is usually very hard to get to the best dancers… or, that one special guy you want to dance to. What do you do in this situation?

“The guy is looking around, many ladies are looking at him with hungry eyes. How can I catch this guy I want to catch?”, asks Birgitt.

She says that in this case, you have to do something else than just sitting and waiting.

“If I want to do that, best positions for me are near the bar or near the entrance, but never sitting in the first line. This works because if I‘m near by groups of man I can ‘catch’ his attention and then a look, a smile… a cabeceo”, explains Birgit.

Avoid dancing with bad dancers

And, of course… what if you get constantly invited by people who are not pleasant to dance with? Should you avoid them?

“Do not be afraid to avoid dancers who do not attract you, it is better not to dance rather than to dance with someone you do not want”, says Tina.

The form you have selected does not exist.

What is your experience? How do you find your way in the complex game of invitations? Message me or comment.

If you found this article helpful I would appreciate if you share it with your tango friends via Facebook or any other way you communicate. Thank you for that.

Beginners no quitting guide to tango

by Ivica Anteski ·

No matter if you are just one of many beginners or have somewhat experience, you should not neglect what is important in your dancing. Getting back to the basics is always a good idea.

In this article I will try to summarize the four most important things you should focus on – they are derived from my own experience and from the experience of other experienced dancers.

“It was you who get me continue dancing. Without your help I could never get where I am now.”, she said after our last dance, which surprised me.

I didn’t do anything special… at least it felt this way because for me it was not an effort. But, for her, as a beginner, it was a huge support.

But what I did?

Basically I placed the things in a perspective. I explained what is important and what is not. I also told her that it takes time… and yes, I spend some time dancing with her.

I feel that this was my duty because many years ago someone also did something similar for me. She explained the process and gave me a perspective. She danced with me, patiently ignoring my mistakes and supported me when I struggled with new techniques.

I decided to share those core concepts that beginners should never forget. There are many things to be said, but I intentionally organized them in four simple points.

1. Connecting – I know, if you are a beginner most probably this is not one of the things you might consider a priority. You might still want to connect better, but there is a good chance that you consider this as one of the tools to help you do all these fancy steps.

But, you are wrong…

Learning how to connect should be your top priority. Dancing tango is like a good friendship – being connected is the goal by itself and you should be focus on this if you want to become a good dancer. Consider the steps like troubles that challenge and test your friendship.

I don’t say that steps are bad – I just say that you can never know if someone is your good friend if your friendship is not challenged. Some “friends” might leave when troubles come, others will stay with you trough good and bad times. Those are the friends you should keep.

Do you get my analogy?

The connection is tested by all those steps and if you can keep it, it means you are doing it right.

Hey, sorry to interrupt…

Do you like reading my articles? If you do please consider a small contribution to the existence of this blog.

I don’t sell a book or run ads: I share these articles for free. Unfortunately I also have to pay my bills, so if you see value in my work please consider a small donation/gratuity (the same way you tip your favorite bartender).
From my heart to yours!
Ivica

Thank you button

Securely processed via PayPal

Here is my recommendation…

Learn three or four simple steps just to have material to practice and use them to test and perfect your communication.

I am sorry to say this, but you should spend with those three basic steps at least six months. My teaching experience tells me that if you do this your dancing will soon explode – when you learn this basic skill right, the rest will come almost effortlessly.

And not only that…

You can even stop taking classes at all. Yes, you can just go and dance in milongas…. If you have a little dancing talent, in time those three steps will evolve in to a variety of different moves.

This was actually the approach of the old milongueros – I read somewhere that Ricardo Vidort, for example, taught his students just eight classes – after that he would say to them “That’s all you should learn from me, now go and dance in milongas”.

What if you are a lady? Nothing changes. Learn how to connect and the best dancers will always choose you before others who think more on how they do that ocho or voleo, than what her partners lead her.

“But if I don’t know steps no one will invite me”, you might say.

Yes, you will lose some partners, but you will get some others. I can say this from my own experience – I always prefer to dance with someone who is able to embrace with me and connect, than with someone who can do perfect ocho, but do it by herself.

Check more on how guys chose ladies

How men choose partners

2. Musicality – As I said in one of my article, woman feels like dying when you are not able to hit the beat. Musicality is also very important quality for ladies as well – when the man leads you he predicts that you will touch the floor on the beat, so he plans his moves accordingly. If your timing is off, all sorts of mistakes can occur.

I wrote an article on the four levels of musicality and, as a beginner, I thing you should focus mostly on the basic one – the rhythm.

The four levels of tango musicality

Something else…

What the wast majority of beginners do is to focus more on the melody. No wonder that among them often times the most popular songs are those of post-golden age where you have music with dramatic melody and almost no rhythm.

As one of my Argentinian friends once said “No compás, no dancing!” (“compás” is Spanish for “beat”)

3. Codigos – If you think that it’s easy to find your way in milonga you don’t know anything about how it works.

Of course, you don’t have to become expert, but you should get some basic tips on ronda, cabeceo and how tandas and cortinas system works. In time you will learn more and more, as you gather experience, but I included this as important part for every beginner because without it, you might get in to unnecessary conflict with the more experienced dancers. Sometimes some behaviors of others towards you might be confusing if you don’t know why this happens.

Internet is full with articles about codigos – you are one Google search away from learning some of the basic skills. You can also learn these over a coffee with more experienced dancer who travels to international events.

The form you have selected does not exist.

 

4. Enjoy – Don’t forget that tango is a big party. Don’t get it too serious. Many beginners are so obsessed with this new world that they easily forget why we are all there – to have fun.

Of course, dedicate time and energy learning but never forget why we are all here. They get disappointed when something doesn’t work the way they expected and this can sometimes even make them quit tango completely.

And the reason for this is…

The process! You see, when we learn we first assimilate the new knowledge with our mind. It is much easier to learn what and how should we do something, but it takes time and hard work for the body to adopt the new knowledge.

It is great frustration to know mentally how should you do something, but your body just refuses to do it properly. This is why you should have fun in the process. Accept that it takes time and enjoy the ride. Think about how much you learned already and that you will eventually arrive on your desired destination.

Will this approach help you? Share your experience in a comment or send me direct message. Don’t forget to share this article with your community, so it can help others.