How our beloved dance is connected to sensuality and sexuality; what it means for relationships; what makes it dangerous, and why understanding it can protect you.
People often close their eyes to a simple truth: tango is a dance of passion. And there’s a reason for that – they don’t want to see its darker side.
Some aspects of the dance we love make people uncomfortable. They are not inherently good or bad; they become such only when we choose to judge them. It’s a matter of perspective.
“Can I ask you something? I need someone to talk to,” a private message appeared on my personal Facebook account.
It was almost 3am, a late hour to reach out to someone not very close. Earlier that night, after the milonga, he had argued with his girlfriend. He danced with another woman, and she was jealous. He needed someone with experience… someone who had lived with tango longer.
“Can couples in tango persist? Do you know of any successful relationship in which both partners dance tango?” he asked.
“Yes, they can,” I replied without hesitation.
I had asked myself the same question many times. Every dancer wonders it at some point. Many feel uneasy because, at its heart, tango is a game of seduction.
Remember those videos of Osvaldo Zotto and Mora Godoy? The narrator opens the first sequence with:
“Tango as a dance is a game of seduction, and like any game of seduction it begins in the eyes, in a glance, and has very clear rules.”
Yes, tango is a game of seduction. Sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious – but historically and in reality, it often resembles flirting. There is undeniable chemistry when two bodies embrace in close proximity. It’s just biology.
That doesn’t mean it’s always about sensuality or sexual attraction. Often it’s simply the pleasure of the dance, the music, the movement. The human connection is what often makes it so powerful.
The elephant in the room will not vanish if we close our eyes. Tango should be seen as it is, not as we wish it to be.
There’s a myth that old milongueros were gentlemen, knights with royal manners. In the Golden Age, being a milonguero was far from honorable; and they didn’t use “milonguera” for a woman who spent most of her time dancing with strangers – they had other words for it.
Milongueros were even forbidden, during the day, to greet someone they knew from the milonga. Visiting milongas was not considered respectable.
Fortunately, times have changed, and today we have different ideas about morality and respect – but the things that once provoked moralizing are still present.
With caution, let me outline what makes tango potentially dangerous – and what can make it romantic, sensual, or even sexual experience.
Tango is personal and intimate
Tango is personal in many ways. When you dance, you express who you are – you open yourself and reveal what’s inside. You can often sense a dancer’s personality just by the way they move.
In social tango, where there are no strict standards for movement, this is even more obvious: everyone moves in their own way.
Dancing also makes you vulnerable. You are open not only to the world, but to the person you dance with. Tango can reveal secrets and emotions you may hide even from yourself. Watching a dance may hint at what’s happening, but much of it remains invisible – only your partner truly feels it.
Sometimes, your partner helps you open even more than you expected. That’s why dancing with different people feels different. Someone with modest technique can feel better to dance with than someone highly skilled, depending on the connection.
Tango is deeply personal, and your partner matters. Dancing connects you with the soul of another human being, yes – but it would be delusional to ignore that the person in your embrace can also make you feel more yourself, more alive, more like a man or a woman.
At the same time, personal and intimate does not mean romantic. In today’s world, we are rarely intimate outside romantic or sexual contexts. This is why many people interpret tango’s intimacy as sexual or romantic – it can feel that way, even when it isn’t.
Tango is a form, not content
The dance is a medium. It is a form of interacting with other people. It provides an environment, means, and rules by which people show what they feel and think.
The content we put into the dance depends on us. It can be love, friendship, romance, passion, or even hate. One person may initiate something; the partner may add to it – or ignore it entirely – but it is never one-sided. It takes two to tango.
If you put tango on trial for being passionate, dirty, and promiscuous, your accusations go to the wrong address. You cannot blame the gun for a murder. If you want to see passion, dirtiness, and promiscuity, turn your eyes to the people who dance. They give meaning and content to the dance. Tango becomes what it is because souls open to each other – their content becomes the content of the dance.
Of course, every form is closely connected to its content. Writers use novels to tell stories and poems to express subtle feelings. People send cards to invite others to weddings and use phone calls to arrange meetings. And, of course, people dance salsa for a crazy night and tango for a warm, passionate embrace.
Tango becomes what it is only because of the dancers.
I have had deeply sensual dances to fast D’Arienzo and completely a-sensual, unromantic dances to Di Sarli or Demare. The form can influence the content, but it does not define it. The dancers – and what they carry in their hearts – decide what the dance will become.
Tango is a catalyst
Have people spend some time together, isolated from the world, and you will quickly learn a lot about their compatibility.
Tango opens people to each other. This makes interaction faster and smoother. A vast amount of information is exchanged, revealing what lies in the heart – mostly unconsciously, under the radar.
That is what makes tango a powerful catalyst. Even a small seed of emotion can grow very fast when dancing with someone. This applies to positive emotions, but also to negative ones.
If, for example, you feel slightly uncomfortable around someone, that feeling can grow and turn into awkwardness or even dislike. On the other hand, if you feel warmth while dancing with someone, your heart can easily slide toward love.
Of course, the human heart is not an automaton. It does not function by a simple algorithm, and many other factors influence this process. The point is simply this: tango accelerates certain emotional processes far more quickly than most other forms of interaction.
If you find this article worth your time, you can leave a small contribution here.
Men and women have different perspectives
When I wrote about the tango embrace I said that men and women often experience different roles in tango. Metaphorically speaking, men tend to dance with their focus on structure and decision-making, while women tend to dance with their focus on connection and emotional response. This does not mean that men lack emotion or that women lack awareness. It reflects the different tasks each takes on within the dance.
The man usually creates the choreography in relation to the music. He navigates, coordinates movement, and manages space among other couples. The woman focuses on the connection and on his lead. By staying receptive, she makes it easier for him to transmit intention, and she often shapes the emotional tone of the dance through subtle, silent feedback.
It is no surprise, then, that a man and a woman can have different opinions about how someone dances. They are paying attention to different aspects of the experience.
In my view, men and women tend to describe their experience of tango differently. Men more often speak about what they do, while women more often describe how it made them feel.
This may be connected to how tango is experienced. In my opinion, men often focus on creating a feeling through movement, while women experience and respond to that feeling. The motivation is not always conquest or showmanship, but the shared sensation of connection.
Why is so? I believe it is because tango is danced for her heart. He dances to touch her heart… and she dances for the same reason – because she enjoys that feeling.
In fact, tango seems to have been created for that purpose. I sometimes wonder if there is a social dance that is not, in some way, connected to courtship. Similar patterns can even be observed in the animal world.
When tango emerged at the turn of the twentieth century, there were far more men than women in Buenos Aires. Men had to compete for the opportunity to dance. This is one reason the dance developed to focus on pleasing her heart – not necessarily his, at least not directly.
Recognizing that men and women may experience the dance differently can clarify many debates about what feels sensual or romantic. What one partner experiences as romantic or sensual, the other may not – and the reverse is equally true.
The rules will not protect you
Codigos were created with awareness of the sensual and romantic nature of tango. Dancing the last tanda with a lover or life partner sends a message to the community.
There are also rules about how many tandas one should dance with the same partner. Dancing too many tandas with a single person is considered inappropriate, as it can signal romantic interest.
But, does it really?
The dance of tango is just a form; the content comes from the dancers. The rules are also a form – you can follow them, but they are not a real indicator. A dancer may share just one tanda with someone and still express romantic interest, or dance the last tanda with a partner while simultaneously feeling drawn to another.
Rules cannot change human nature – they are simply a way to communicate within the community. I strongly support respecting them, but it’s important to understand what they really mean.
So, after all this, is tango sensual and passionate? Dirty and promiscuous?
I do not have a definite answer. Each dancer must find their own. What I can say is this: tango offers an opportunity to express yourself fully. Tango is what dancers make of it!
I really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments and Opinions! and of-course yours Ivica! I am a Female tango dancer who danced over 10yrs all around the world while being single and in relationships, I have been on both sides, the victim and hunter. I agree with all 4 points that you have mentioned %100. However this does not mean that we Tango dancers are helpless and we can not improve some of the negative sides of tango. I am older and wiser wiser now and have educated myself more in social issues. I consider myself a feminist and from a feminist point of view, I have to say that it is time for us to change and distabilize the stereotypical gender roles & norms observed in milongas wich feed the dark side of tango and ultimately reinforce the power and priviledge within milongas which is a representation of the world! An example of this would be the way women are dressed for milongas. As any human being the way we dress up and carry ourselves sends a message to other people around us! Women are dressed up as sexualized, objectified beings who wait to be desired and asked by Men!
I know this may not change the heart of the 5 points/truths about tango that you mentioned, but it can create more awareness in our stance and what we want to do with this skill/art in our hands! In short , the dark side of what we observe in milongas and tango are representation of the dominent ideolog of the world (West)! you may wonder, what is this ideology? it is the ideology of death, war, hunt, rape, objectification of women and so many other things……
Thankyou.
Hi Nouchine, I agree with you… but as you already know, the way people dress and behave at tango events is just reflection of how society is.
But there’s one more thing: what you mentioned (about dressing and behavior) is one of the reasons I started avoiding marathons and festivals – they are terrible places, flesh fairs and also places for showing of by both men and women… I would rather travel to encuentros where I meet more emotionally and socially aware people, where people dance in a solidarity, not competitive way.
Hi, thanks for writing this article.
I discovered tango through my older sister who had recently left her husband of 25 years for a man she had met at a local milonga. When I started I thought it would be the perfect dance to take me into my older years, I could put my extensive background in classical ballet and salsa to good use. Very early on, I naively got into a relationship with a long-time tango maestro and we lived together for three years. Because he was a bit older than me, and quite shy and reserved, I was very relaxed in our relationship, always happily taking the back seat as he danced with everybody, and often leaving the milonga early.
One evening, in drink, he plucked up the courage to tell me that he had been having an affair with one of the young women from tango. It was such a knife in the heart, and my veil of ignorance immediately fell, leaving me with vivid images of all the times I had seen things that didn’t feel right. I felt humiliated at having always chatted away with this girl, and by the fact that everybody at the milonga must have known.
My Mum fell ill and died all within a few months of our breaking up. She said I must return to tango and that all the suffering would make me a better dancer. But I haven’t been back, not once. I wasn’t in any state to return to the milonga anyway for a long time. After all, I still had feelings for him. How could I watch him dance and flirt with other girls, myself nothing more than a paying client now? And the longer time went by, the more unlikely it seemed that I would not be able to return. The silence of my milonga ‘acquaintances’ – they probably felt it was better not to get involved. ‘Don’t take it so seriously, it’s all just human emotions…’ one said right at the outset. But exactly; human emotions – is it right that the milonga should become a playground for adults to engage in dangerous and irresponsible games?
A year and a half on, and his relationship with that woman has long finished. Yet the milonga is ripe for the picking and the maestro, as sweet and unforthcoming as he may appear in the street, has been quite simply preying on the girls that line up to dance with him as they discover the world of tango.
When I still danced, I worked hard on my tango, hoping to attain a professional level. But now I have to ask myself if taking it up again would actually be a good move, in the grand scheme of things. I am a 39 year-old girl, who loves dancing, but who doesn’t want to make life more complicated than it already is. I’d like to meet a life partner, and if I still have the chance, have a family of my own. I only ever danced tango for the love of dancing, and I love the tango. But I wonder if it is better to make a sacrifice now. After all, I never loved the older ladies sitting around the edges having paid their entrance fees, and not getting a dance all night. Or the empty feeling of being extra kind to the good dancers, in hope of a dance, even if they are not particularly kind to you, or others. And what if I did meet someone again at tango, which is most likely. And what if I meet someone outside of tango and he has to accept me going off dancing with other men all night? And does tango actually blossom any healthy social interaction, or is it all just sodom and gomorrah? Is it even ethical, or responsible to going on dancing tango, in a world that needs more love and truth?
Thank you for writing your article which has allowed me to articulate my experience and read about other people’s experiences.
Hi Rosa, I’m sorry for your experience with this man, but isn’t true that these kind of things also happen to non-tango-dancing people? Tango is a form of communication that opens up opportunities for predators, it’s true; but it’s also true that it can help you connect with nice people as well.
If I was you, I would not give up the good stuff just because of the bad ones. I would be just more careful in the future.
Don’t lose your faith in people (and tango dancers) – there are some really nice people out there that can make your world richer. Just choose carefully: choose events you visit, people you socialize with, people you give you hearth to…
Hugs
Ivica
Thank you Ivica, I appreciate your reply.
All the best,
Rosa
I really appreciate this article. As a newer dancer, I feel like the veil of tango has recently been lifted and I’m pretty devastated. After falling for and then out of a relationship with a veteran tangero, I now see him and many others in the scene more clearly- as men waiting for their next conquest… generally naive young women new to the scene. Beyond my own story, I hear others. Men with more experience or “teachers”, using tango truly to seduce but being in it for themselves. The women are disposable and collateral damage. And so now the sea of milonga dancers that I once held so dear and magical, are now populated with secret love affairs and break ups, and an unspoken darkness of a predatory nature. While I will take a long time to recover, this milonguero doesn’t waste a moment to move on to his next target, all with a charming innocent smile.
Ah, I’m sorry for your negative experience… Tango is neither good or bad – it is the way the dancers are. Tango just makes people open and this makes them vulnerable – don’t let people without good intentions missuse it.
I disagree that this is the “dark” side.
It is just one of origin of Tango which the currnet society would like to conceal for being politically correct.
It is a good picture to say that this Elephant always stands in the room of Tango dancing. Most dancers never daer to talk about this taboo and react like hearing blasphemy if others debate this.
And for many dancers this Elephant (consciously or unconsciously) is their drive to dance Tango – even when communicating like above. Additionally in Covid19 times this Elephant brings them to act irrationally when obsessive continuing the social dancing which negatively supports the pandemic.
I agree with you 100% 🙂 The fact that many people feel uncomfortable talking about it makes it “dark” or obscured – this is why I used this word. But, I agree that many people are in tango exactly for that – and I don’t see it as a bad thing. In fact, I believe without it tango is not a tango. Tango was invented by men who wanted to approach a woman with romantic intentions.
The darkside of SOCIAL TANGO is that it is fare away from being social at all. I see so much exclusion of older femal dancer especially beginners or people who cant afford fancy clothes. Often people are homophobic or I see assaults when man havent their sexual lust under control. JUST TO TELL ALL MEN: I do no dance tango to fuck or get touched by some horny men. I dance because I want to dance.
The dark side is the EGO of so many dancers that ruin passion and fun on the dancefloor and make it to a stiff and old-fashioned event. JUST to REMIND EVERYBODY: we have 2019 and I live in Europe. Its not 1930 anymore we have grown within our social intelligence..or? DID WE REALLY?
My husband was travelling to Nebraska and as I am the dancer and not him I looked to see if there were any milongas in Nebraska and found your site and info very Interesting. My husband is not interested in dancing at all and I always danced and found an AT group locally filled only with couples! Yikes, to say learning was trial by fire is an understatement. I was viewed as a husband stealer when in fact I was only having private and group lessons. Its been 11 years and our group knows my husband and I dance with the men in our group but I am always careful not to flirt or get too close emotionally with those men and I think they feel they are free of the seduction side of the dance. We are all older people but Ive seen single women act like piranha when at a milonga and honestly it is very scary! In Buenos Aires it was my experience that the rules of engagement were used all the time and couples did not spend the whole night with their own partners but asked others to dance. I don’t think all men want a romantic connection……they are too busy planning their moves and interpreting the music to worry about romance right there and then. Maybe after a few dances their interest may be sparked but I’ve rarely seen it. American dancers want to change all the well known rules to suit themselves so keep writing your thoughts on the dance and sharing with us. I enjoyed your article very much. Thank you! Un abrazo
I have had the exact same opinion for a very long time, but my words have either fallen on deaf ears or in a sea of hypocrisy. That was of course, until the “dark side” started wreaking havoc in our little community.
The premise that you can completely detach from tango what Osvaldo Zotto pointed out in the video you cited is -in my opinion- infantile.
I am not sure I understand your point Gustavo… Can you explicate little more?
True, When as a man, I am so close to a woman. Her breasts pressing hard against me. My fingers on her lower back makes her twitch. she wants to go away but my firm yet soft embrace gives her just the perfect amount to be a temptress, seductress. She can’t go away yet she knows her beautiful body is something i desire and she taunts me by with her alluring eyes. I am just trapped by her womanly scent. Her eyes, her soft skin, her scanty clothes, her fishnet stockings along with her high heel creates infinite traps for me, which i wouldn’t trade for a place heaven even.
Lovely analysis thank you
Tandas were created for the very reason you mentioned, because there were 10 times more men than women and the women were typically seen as “that name you won’t mention”. I think it is outdated and long overdue that partners should not feel pressured as a social norm to switch partners if they are romantically involved either in class or a milonga. It should be normal either way that they choose how it has been done before. Another great reason for Cabaceo and couples sections in a milonga. I enjoyed your article. It was well written. Thank you.