People often tend to close their eyes to the simple truth that tango is a dance of passion; and there’s a reason for that: they don’t want to see the dark side of tango.
There are some facts about the dance we love so much that people try to ignore because they make them uncomfortable. In fact, many of these are not good or bad, they just become such when we decide to see them as good or bad. It’s all about opinion.
“Can I ask you something? I need someone to talk to”, a private message came on my personal Facebook account.
It was almost 3 am, a quite late time to start a conversation with someone who is not very close to you. Earlier that night, after the milonga, he had fight with his girlfriend. He danced with another girl and she was jealous.
He needed someone to talk to. Someone more experienced… or, with more years living with tango.
“Can couples in tango persist? Do you know of any successful relationship in which both partners dance tango?”, he asked.
“Yes they can”, I answered without hesitation.
I asked myself the same question more than few times. There are no people in tango who did not ask themselves or someone else this question. Dancers feel it’s quite uncomfortable that “the tango is a game of seduction”.
Remember those videos of Osvaldo Zotto and Mora Godoy showing tango sequences? Here is how it starts – this is the first video:
In the very opening the narrator says:
“The tango as a dance is a game of seduction and like any game of seduction it begins in the eyes, in a glance and has very clear rules.”
Tango IS a game of seduction. Sometimes less, other times more – but historically and in reality, it is often something very similar to flirting. No one sane should deny that all sorts of chemistry is going on in the dancers bodies when they hug in so close proximity. It is just biology.
On the other hand, it doesn’t mean that it’s always about sensuality and sexual attraction. It’s often no more than just a pleasure of the dance… the music… the movements… It’s often just pure human connection that makes it so wonderful.
In any case – the elephant is in the room. It will not go away if you close your eyes: you should see the tango as it is, not as you want it to be.
There’s this myth that old milongueros were gentlemen, a sort of knights with royal manners. Not many people know that in the Golden Age being a milonguero was not an honorable thing; and for a lady who spent most of her time dancing tango with strangers they used other words.
It was also forbidden during the day to say hello to a person whom you know from milongas. Visiting milongas was not considered a good habit for respected people.
Well, luckily times have changed and today we have different criteria about what’s moral and respectful, but that thing in tango which made people moralize is still here.
So, let me try, with caution, to say few things about what is it that makes tango dangerous. What can make it romantic, sensual or even a sexual experience.
1. Tango is personal and intimate
Tango is personal in many ways. First of all, when you dance any dance, you express who you are. You open yourself and you show to the world who you are and what’s inside of you. You can learn about personality of a dancer just by the way they move.
Since there are no standards on how to move, this is even more obvious in social tango: the way people do things is very personal.
Second, when you dance – you open to the world. You are also open to the person you dance with. Tango is intimate: it can reveal your secrets and emotions you hide even from yourself. Watching people dance can sometimes tell you some things, but most of what’s going on is invisible. It’s only the partner that can feel it.
Your partner can sometimes help you open even more than you expected. This is one of the reasons why dancing with different people feels different. Some, even with poor technical skills or musicality, can feel very good – opposite to others with rich technical repertoire.
Tango is personal and it does matter who is your partner. Dancing is connecting with the soul of another human being, yes, but it’ll be delusional to believe that it does not matter if that someone in your embrace makes you feel more like a man/woman.
On the other side, saying that tango is personal and intimate, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s always romantic. In today’s world we are alienated. We are rarely intimate with people out of romantic or sexual context. This is why many people feel the level of intimacy in tango to be something sexual or romantic.
2. Tango is a form, not a content
The dance is a medium. It’s a form of interacting with other people. It provides an environment, means and rules by which people can show what they feel and think.
The content we put in the dance depends on us. It can be love, friendship, romance, passion, or even hate… One can initiate something, the partner can add some more or ignore it, but it’s never one way. It takes two to tango!
If you put tango on trial for being passionate, dirty and promiscuous – your accusations are going to a wrong address. You cannot blame the gun for a murder. If you want to see passion, dirtiness and promiscuity, you should turn your eyes to the people that dance. They give the meaning and content to the dance. Tango becomes what it is because of the souls opening to each other – their content becomes the content of the dance.
Of course, every form is tightly connected to its content. Writers write novels to tell stories and poems to express subtle feelings. People use cards to invite on weddings and a telephone conversation to arrange meetings. And, of course – people dance salsa to have crazy night and tango to have passionate and warm embrace.
Tango becomes what it is only because of the dancers.
I had very passionate and sensual dances on fast D’Arienzos and very a-sensual or unromantic dances on Demares music. The form can influence the content, but it’s not what defines it. Dancers and what they have in their hearts decides what will be the content.
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3. Tango is a catalyst
Have people spend some time together isolated from the world and you’ll found out a lot about their compatibility.
Tango makes people open to each other. That makes interactions faster and smoother. Vast amount of information is being exchanged and this gives away what’s in your heart. It mostly happens unconsciously, under the radar.
This makes tango an ultimate catalyst. If you have just a seed of emotion, dancing tango with him/her can make it grow very fast. This happens with the positive emotions, but it also happens with negativity.
If, for example, you feel little uncomfortable around someone it can often grow and become very awkward or even hate. On the other hand, if you have warm feelings while dancing with someone your heart can easily fall in love.
Of course, human heart is not an automaton – it does not work by a simple algorithm. There are many other factors which influence this process. I just want to point out that dancers should be aware that tango makes some things develop much faster than other interactions.
4. Men and women have different perspective
When I wrote about the tango embrace I said that men and women have very different roles in tango. In a metaphorical way: men dance with their brains, women dance with their hearts. This of course, doesn’t mean that a man has no emotions and that a woman is brainless. It’s more connected to what they do: the man has to create the choreography to match the music, he has to navigate, to coordinate the movements with other couples; the woman has to focus on the connection and his lead, she has to make it easy for him to transfer the intention with lowering her defenses, and most of all, she often leads the emotion by motivating him and giving silent feedback.
Check out my post about the magic of tango embrace.
Embrace like a lover, dance like the wind
No wonder a man and a woman can have completely different opinion about how someone is dancing. It is because they are focused on different things.
More men will tell you that they dance with a lady because she is beautiful, than there will be women that will say she chose to dance with someone because he’s handsome.
Why is so? I believe because tango is danced for her heart. He dances to touch her heart… and, she dances for the same reason – because she feels good when her heart is being touched.
In fact tango was created for that purpose. At this point I’m wondering is there a social dance that is not connected in some way with the courtship ritual? We can see that even in the animal world.
When tango started in the turn of the century, there were 10 times more men than women in Buenos Aires. Men had to compete to dance with a woman. This is one of the reasons why the dance is created to please her heart, not his (at least not in direct way).
Knowing that women and men have different perspective can solve some disputes about what is sensual or romantic in tango, because some things which a man considers romantic or sensual, a woman might not, and vice versa.
5. The rules will not protect you
Codigos are made with awareness of the sensual and romantic nature of tango. Dancing the last tanda with your lover or life partner exists as a message to your environment.
There are also rules about the number of tandas danced with one partner. It’s considered inappropriate to dance too much with one partner, since it sends a message of romantic interest.
But, does it really?
Tango is just a form: the content is given by the dancers. This also means that the rules are just a form as well: you can use them, but they’re not a real indicator. One can dance just one tanda with a girl and they can still express romantic interest. One can dance the last tanda with his/her lover, but it can still happen to express interest in another.
Rules cannot change the human nature – they’re there just as a form of communication with the community. Of course, I support respecting the rules, but one has to be aware what they really mean.
So, after all this, can you tell is tango sensual and passionate, is it dirty and promiscuous?
I do not have a definite answer. Everyone has to find the answer for him/herself. All I can tell you is that it offers opportunity for people to express themselves.
Tango is what dancers make of it!
Do you have different opinion? I will be happy to hear about it – you can write it in the comments section bellow.
I really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments and Opinions! and of-course yours Ivica! I am a Female tango dancer who danced over 10yrs all around the world while being single and in relationships, I have been on both sides, the victim and hunter. I agree with all 4 points that you have mentioned %100. However this does not mean that we Tango dancers are helpless and we can not improve some of the negative sides of tango. I am older and wiser wiser now and have educated myself more in social issues. I consider myself a feminist and from a feminist point of view, I have to say that it is time for us to change and distabilize the stereotypical gender roles & norms observed in milongas wich feed the dark side of tango and ultimately reinforce the power and priviledge within milongas which is a representation of the world! An example of this would be the way women are dressed for milongas. As any human being the way we dress up and carry ourselves sends a message to other people around us! Women are dressed up as sexualized, objectified beings who wait to be desired and asked by Men!
I know this may not change the heart of the 5 points/truths about tango that you mentioned, but it can create more awareness in our stance and what we want to do with this skill/art in our hands! In short , the dark side of what we observe in milongas and tango are representation of the dominent ideolog of the world (West)! you may wonder, what is this ideology? it is the ideology of death, war, hunt, rape, objectification of women and so many other things……
Thankyou.
Hi Nouchine, I agree with you… but as you already know, the way people dress and behave at tango events is just reflection of how society is.
But there’s one more thing: what you mentioned (about dressing and behavior) is one of the reasons I started avoiding marathons and festivals – they are terrible places, flesh fairs and also places for showing of by both men and women… I would rather travel to encuentros where I meet more emotionally and socially aware people, where people dance in a solidarity, not competitive way.
Hi, thanks for writing this article.
I discovered tango through my older sister who had recently left her husband of 25 years for a man she had met at a local milonga. When I started I thought it would be the perfect dance to take me into my older years, I could put my extensive background in classical ballet and salsa to good use. Very early on, I naively got into a relationship with a long-time tango maestro and we lived together for three years. Because he was a bit older than me, and quite shy and reserved, I was very relaxed in our relationship, always happily taking the back seat as he danced with everybody, and often leaving the milonga early.
One evening, in drink, he plucked up the courage to tell me that he had been having an affair with one of the young women from tango. It was such a knife in the heart, and my veil of ignorance immediately fell, leaving me with vivid images of all the times I had seen things that didn’t feel right. I felt humiliated at having always chatted away with this girl, and by the fact that everybody at the milonga must have known.
My Mum fell ill and died all within a few months of our breaking up. She said I must return to tango and that all the suffering would make me a better dancer. But I haven’t been back, not once. I wasn’t in any state to return to the milonga anyway for a long time. After all, I still had feelings for him. How could I watch him dance and flirt with other girls, myself nothing more than a paying client now? And the longer time went by, the more unlikely it seemed that I would not be able to return. The silence of my milonga ‘acquaintances’ – they probably felt it was better not to get involved. ‘Don’t take it so seriously, it’s all just human emotions…’ one said right at the outset. But exactly; human emotions – is it right that the milonga should become a playground for adults to engage in dangerous and irresponsible games?
A year and a half on, and his relationship with that woman has long finished. Yet the milonga is ripe for the picking and the maestro, as sweet and unforthcoming as he may appear in the street, has been quite simply preying on the girls that line up to dance with him as they discover the world of tango.
When I still danced, I worked hard on my tango, hoping to attain a professional level. But now I have to ask myself if taking it up again would actually be a good move, in the grand scheme of things. I am a 39 year-old girl, who loves dancing, but who doesn’t want to make life more complicated than it already is. I’d like to meet a life partner, and if I still have the chance, have a family of my own. I only ever danced tango for the love of dancing, and I love the tango. But I wonder if it is better to make a sacrifice now. After all, I never loved the older ladies sitting around the edges having paid their entrance fees, and not getting a dance all night. Or the empty feeling of being extra kind to the good dancers, in hope of a dance, even if they are not particularly kind to you, or others. And what if I did meet someone again at tango, which is most likely. And what if I meet someone outside of tango and he has to accept me going off dancing with other men all night? And does tango actually blossom any healthy social interaction, or is it all just sodom and gomorrah? Is it even ethical, or responsible to going on dancing tango, in a world that needs more love and truth?
Thank you for writing your article which has allowed me to articulate my experience and read about other people’s experiences.
Hi Rosa, I’m sorry for your experience with this man, but isn’t true that these kind of things also happen to non-tango-dancing people? Tango is a form of communication that opens up opportunities for predators, it’s true; but it’s also true that it can help you connect with nice people as well.
If I was you, I would not give up the good stuff just because of the bad ones. I would be just more careful in the future.
Don’t lose your faith in people (and tango dancers) – there are some really nice people out there that can make your world richer. Just choose carefully: choose events you visit, people you socialize with, people you give you hearth to…
Hugs
Ivica
Thank you Ivica, I appreciate your reply.
All the best,
Rosa
I really appreciate this article. As a newer dancer, I feel like the veil of tango has recently been lifted and I’m pretty devastated. After falling for and then out of a relationship with a veteran tangero, I now see him and many others in the scene more clearly- as men waiting for their next conquest… generally naive young women new to the scene. Beyond my own story, I hear others. Men with more experience or “teachers”, using tango truly to seduce but being in it for themselves. The women are disposable and collateral damage. And so now the sea of milonga dancers that I once held so dear and magical, are now populated with secret love affairs and break ups, and an unspoken darkness of a predatory nature. While I will take a long time to recover, this milonguero doesn’t waste a moment to move on to his next target, all with a charming innocent smile.
Ah, I’m sorry for your negative experience… Tango is neither good or bad – it is the way the dancers are. Tango just makes people open and this makes them vulnerable – don’t let people without good intentions missuse it.
I disagree that this is the “dark” side.
It is just one of origin of Tango which the currnet society would like to conceal for being politically correct.
It is a good picture to say that this Elephant always stands in the room of Tango dancing. Most dancers never daer to talk about this taboo and react like hearing blasphemy if others debate this.
And for many dancers this Elephant (consciously or unconsciously) is their drive to dance Tango – even when communicating like above. Additionally in Covid19 times this Elephant brings them to act irrationally when obsessive continuing the social dancing which negatively supports the pandemic.
I agree with you 100% 🙂 The fact that many people feel uncomfortable talking about it makes it “dark” or obscured – this is why I used this word. But, I agree that many people are in tango exactly for that – and I don’t see it as a bad thing. In fact, I believe without it tango is not a tango. Tango was invented by men who wanted to approach a woman with romantic intentions.
The darkside of SOCIAL TANGO is that it is fare away from being social at all. I see so much exclusion of older femal dancer especially beginners or people who cant afford fancy clothes. Often people are homophobic or I see assaults when man havent their sexual lust under control. JUST TO TELL ALL MEN: I do no dance tango to fuck or get touched by some horny men. I dance because I want to dance.
The dark side is the EGO of so many dancers that ruin passion and fun on the dancefloor and make it to a stiff and old-fashioned event. JUST to REMIND EVERYBODY: we have 2019 and I live in Europe. Its not 1930 anymore we have grown within our social intelligence..or? DID WE REALLY?
My husband was travelling to Nebraska and as I am the dancer and not him I looked to see if there were any milongas in Nebraska and found your site and info very Interesting. My husband is not interested in dancing at all and I always danced and found an AT group locally filled only with couples! Yikes, to say learning was trial by fire is an understatement. I was viewed as a husband stealer when in fact I was only having private and group lessons. Its been 11 years and our group knows my husband and I dance with the men in our group but I am always careful not to flirt or get too close emotionally with those men and I think they feel they are free of the seduction side of the dance. We are all older people but Ive seen single women act like piranha when at a milonga and honestly it is very scary! In Buenos Aires it was my experience that the rules of engagement were used all the time and couples did not spend the whole night with their own partners but asked others to dance. I don’t think all men want a romantic connection……they are too busy planning their moves and interpreting the music to worry about romance right there and then. Maybe after a few dances their interest may be sparked but I’ve rarely seen it. American dancers want to change all the well known rules to suit themselves so keep writing your thoughts on the dance and sharing with us. I enjoyed your article very much. Thank you! Un abrazo
I have had the exact same opinion for a very long time, but my words have either fallen on deaf ears or in a sea of hypocrisy. That was of course, until the “dark side” started wreaking havoc in our little community.
The premise that you can completely detach from tango what Osvaldo Zotto pointed out in the video you cited is -in my opinion- infantile.
I am not sure I understand your point Gustavo… Can you explicate little more?
True, When as a man, I am so close to a woman. Her breasts pressing hard against me. My fingers on her lower back makes her twitch. she wants to go away but my firm yet soft embrace gives her just the perfect amount to be a temptress, seductress. She can’t go away yet she knows her beautiful body is something i desire and she taunts me by with her alluring eyes. I am just trapped by her womanly scent. Her eyes, her soft skin, her scanty clothes, her fishnet stockings along with her high heel creates infinite traps for me, which i wouldn’t trade for a place heaven even.
Lovely analysis thank you
Tandas were created for the very reason you mentioned, because there were 10 times more men than women and the women were typically seen as “that name you won’t mention”. I think it is outdated and long overdue that partners should not feel pressured as a social norm to switch partners if they are romantically involved either in class or a milonga. It should be normal either way that they choose how it has been done before. Another great reason for Cabaceo and couples sections in a milonga. I enjoyed your article. It was well written. Thank you.