The answer to the question “How men choose partners?” goes far beyond the idea that men tend to dance with beautiful girls first. If that was the (only) criteria tango would have become a sad story of games and intrigues.
Of course, it is always preferable to dance with someone that is good looking and smells nice, but that is not exclusive for male or female dancers – that is general tendency… and it is not that important if the person we dance to can give us something much deeper and more valuable than looks.
How ladies choose partners
Last week when I wrote the article about how ladies choose dancing partners in milonga where they don’t know anyone, many asked me when will I write an article about how men choose partners. Well, here it is!
“You don’t dance tonight?”, she asked me.
“I do, but I will later!”, I said.
When I first started traveling for tango I was not aware, but I always hesitate to start dancing early in milongas. I know, sometimes it goes too far, but later on, as I gathered some experience, I learned that my hesitation has to do with observing and choosing the right partners.
As I talked to other dancers, I understood that others are doing it as well.
I asked some of my friends, which have much more experience and expertise than I do, to tell me what they do when they are in milonga where they don’t know anyone. I added the “not knowing anyone” part as a reminder that what I am asking is not their previous experience with dancers, but observable behaviors that helps them figuring out who is a good dancer.
So, here are the conclusions.
Observing
First and most important thing everyone agrees on is to observe carefully – because the answers can be found by watching.
“You will find what you want to learn by observing and looking at the dance floor.”, says Pibe Avellaneda, an experienced milonguero and teacher from Buenos Aires.
“I watch the dance floor to see which ladies are being invited often, and I observe whether they are good dancers. And you have to take notice that the ladies have the right attitude.”, he explains.
Popularity matters
Evaldas Drasutis, a social dancer from Lithuania, shares his many experiences from milongas in Buenos Aires and around Europe.
“First of all, if you don’t know anyone at the milonga, most likely nobody knows you. So usually you can’t be too picky, at least in the beginning, or otherwise you’ll be sitting the whole night (unless you aren’t Alen Delon which would make quality of your dancing unimportant).” he says.
He agrees that popularity matters.
“When you can choose, than observe and if you like their dancing and behavior you try to invite her. You should also observe who is most invited by the best male dancers.”
The experienced dancers have other social tricks to find and invite good partners, but they are not 100% reliable.
“Even with years of experience we don’t really know the real qualities of a partner until we dance with them. In the end of a day, the key to good quality of dancing is knowing people: tango is a community thing.”, he concludes.
Attitude is valued
One of the factors that almost everyone mentions is her attitude in the process of invitations and on the dance floor.
“I usually observe how she controls her feet in crowded milongas and for sure her attitude in ‘cabeceoing’: I often choose milongueras showing a real interest in dancing instead of high-skilled dancers too concentrated in their ‘VIP status’.”, says Gabbo Fresedo, a social dancer and tango DJ from Italy.
What she does on the dance floor is also very important for Ray Barbosa, the organizer of the Chicago Tango Festival and social dancer for over 17 years.
“When I do not know anyone at the milonga the first and primary thing I do is watch people dance for a while. What I focus on is how a woman moves her feet. If she moves her feet with elegance and caresses them as she walks, this is someone I would like to ask to dance.”, he explains.
Social intelligence
But what would be the first thing that a man who comes to a milonga where he doesn’t know anyone do?
“I look for a place in the room that allows me to have the panorama of the scene and that allows others to also see me for a possible future encounter.”, explains Pablo Chanteiro, a social dancer from Buenos Aires.
He than observes for a while to check if someone has good embrace and musicality.
“The third and most important thing – I wait for the right moment for the invitation, for the right music, for the right tanda, and for the ideal partner with whom to share that wonderful moment!”, he concludes.
Hey, sorry to interrupt…
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Use cabeceo!
When you decide who is your desired partner, it is very important to show respect and use the right way to invite her.
“There is no rule outlining how to invite a woman to dance. Its about the cabeceo. Its about the gaze and other movements, including the eyes and lips. Taking ladies from their seats is the one thing that should never be done. This will cause the woman to feel violated because she is unable to make the decision herself, and instead accepts under pressure.”, says Pibe Avellaneda.
What is your experience? Share it in the comments section of this article or just send me a message.
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