Tango Mentor

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milonguero

Tango travelers guide

by Ivica Anteski ·

(This article first appeared in ‘Gancho’, december 2016 – this is just a reprint for the readers of Tango Mentor)

As we say goodbye to the old year our eyes look towards the next one and we try to figure out what tango events should we put on our calendar. I mean, we all wish to travel more if we just had enough money and time. Since most of us are not that lucky to have limitless resources, little wisdom when we make choice would help a lot.

My intention behind this article is to help tango travelers to plan their year little wiser. I mean, when you travel almost every month, as I did the past few years, you begin to notice some patterns that might be useful to less experienced.

I think that this article will be most valuable to the absolute beginners in the tango travelers world, but little more experienced will find some wisdom here as well.

Since I travel a lot, many people think that I spend a lot of money. That is actually not true. If you plan your trips wisely and if you do not have strict time limitations, the trips can be significantly cheaper than one might imagine.

For example, if you create your traveling plan wisely and if you buy your tickets early on, you may save almost 50% of the ‘regular’ price. Sometimes this goes for the accommodation as well.

[Tweet “We all wish to travel more if we just had enough money and time”]

Those were examples just to give you ideas, but this article is not only about how to make your trip cheaper. It is about how to chose the right events for you as well. Even cheaper, the trips are not free, so you should not spend your money and time on ones that will not make you enjoy.

OK than, lets get in to it.

1. Know your mindset – First thing you have to do when you start planing your tango trips is to ask yourself what kind of dancer are you. This will define what kind of events you should look for.

Ask yourself what is the purpose of your tango journey? Are you a person who enjoys the feeling in the embrace or you feel good when you do impossible moves? Do you prefer to be relaxed and party, or you want to go to events where you can experience the full feeling of the Argentine tango culture? What is your level and experience?

Those questions will define what kind of dancer you are and where do you belong, but do not forget that people evolve over time. What I liked in the beginning I despise now. What was hard to accept when I was beginner, I admire now. So, return to these questions from time to time.

In this point I am going to list a group of three types of events which will help you decide where do you belong. Please have in mind that my experience is mostly from what is going on in Europe – in your particular region some of those types may not even exist.

a) The festivals – Those are the most popular type of events. They are also the biggest. I have herd about festivals with more than 5.000 participants. Festivals usually do not limit the number of the participants and they do not ask questions like how experienced are you? To participate on this kind of events it is enough to register on time and to pay.

Festivals are usually structured with two types of activities: milongas and workshops. Some of the tango celebrities are invited to have classes during day and at the evening milongas they have a show.

Festivals are ideal for people who are at the very beginning of their tango journey, but I would not recommend them to the more experienced. Festivals tend to become too chaotic and overcrowded. They are also very expensive.

b) The marathons – The idea of the marathons is to gather tango dancers from different communities for a weekend of just dancing. There are daily and evening milongas. Marathons do not include stars and show dances, nor workshops and classes.

Registering to a marathon might be a little harder since the organizers control who is entering in order to keep a proper gender balance and the quality of dancing. To some of these events you can enter only with a recommendation from other dancers or if the organizer knows and approves you.

The marathons are smaller than the festivals and they tend to gather the best of the dancers. They are also slightly cheaper than the festivals.

c) The encuentros – Festivals are open for everyone, marathons chose only the best. What encuentros do? They chose only ones who are focused on social tango, ones who are respectful dancers. The organizers of the encuentros usually do not advertise their events so this is a hidden world to the most of the dancers, specially beginners.

The participants of encuentros are the dancers who are focused more on the embrace than on the showy steps. They also tend to focus on the respect, the codigos and the traditions. The music is very strict – only the Old guard and Golden age.

The form you have selected does not exist.

Encuentros are also gender balanced, they limit the number of the participants to usually around 100 and they also have a “one tanda rule” in hope that everyone will have their turn with everyone.

If you are a dancer who admires the tango traditions from the Golden Age and if you prefer to hug and not to make show steps, than encuentros are what you need.

2. Traveling connections – Tango events are usually limited to the weekends. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Some of them have a couple of days extra, but basically all of them stick to the weekends.

This means you will have to arrive on Friday and after a few hours of rest, go to the evening milonga. Than, on Sunday or Monday, you will have to get to a plane and get to work well rested.

This plan might work only if your connections are comfortable and simple. Complicated and long trips are acceptable only in one case: if you travel on budget and have free time. I had many experiences, some of them included waiting for a transfer almost 12 hours. Some of them were even with a sleepover, just to keep the price low. If the accommodation is not a problem, you might also arrive earlier or later, just to have acceptable travel ticket price. This way you will also have a day or two to look around.

If you have to stay one or two days more, my advice is to chose coming earlier, rather than staying little longer after the event finishes. This way, when it starts you will be well rested.

Before you chose the event you want to travel to, take time to check out how is the city where it takes place connected to your city. Check flights, check buses, check driving time. If you travel by plane, I also recommend you to check how is the airport connected and what are the costs of the transportation. It is also important to check where is the venue.

All this details will help you choose wise. The first step has to be right. If needed, ask for a help from the organizers by email or in a private message on Facebook. Many of them take care their guests to have a smooth experience so they prepare a traveling plan for them from airport to the town or to the venue itself.

3. Check the prices – No matter if you travel on a budget or you are a high class traveler, it is always vise to check out where you go and what prices should you expect. Being surprised by the prices can often spoil your experience.

First thing you should worry about is the accommodation. There are few things you should do about it.

a) If you travel on a really tight budget you might want to choose a couch surfing. Check out the regular ones (I mean the ones for non-tango people). If this does not work, or in case you would rather stay with tango people, you have the option to stay at home of local dancers. If you already have friends from the town you travel to, write them and explain your situation, some might be open to offer you the couch in their living room. One more option is to write to the organizer or to the local school and ask them if they can find you some free couch for sleeping.

b) If you chose little more comfortable option, the hostels are the best next one. Ask the organizer to recommend what is the most affordable hostel, and also, the closest one to the venue. Proximity to the venue will save you some money for local transport.

c) Travel in groups. This way you might chose to take one whole separate room in a hostel just for you – or, in some cases, to book all of the beds in a small hostel and to have it just for the group. Traveling in the groups opens up the possibility to book a whole apartment (via Airbnb) which is even better option.

High class travelers should also consult the organizers before they decide to book their hotel, since as locals, they can point out if there is a problem with the selection.

Next option is to check out the food prices. If you have accommodation where you can prepare your meals, the spending on food will be much lower. Buying in the supermarkets is significantly cheaper than eating in restaurants.

To be sure about the prices my best advice is to ask local dancers. Other option is to ask people who already visited that event. They can also point out a places that you should try local cuisine at reasonable prices.

The spendings on the accommodation and the food are significant part of your travel expenses, so you should have an idea about them when you chose what event you will attend next year.

4. Where are your friends – I wrote about the nature of the event, about the traveling expenses, sleeping and food expenses. I want to finish this list with the most important one – the quality of the event.

Do not choose the events for their advertisement investments. That is the worst thing you can do. Quality of the tango event is almost never connected with the amount of money and effort the organizers trows in advertising it.

I would rather suggest for you to ask people about their experience. Or even better, to ask them where they plan to travel. Before you choose the event check out who plans to visit it. Although the “going” list on Facebook is never an attendance list, you can use it as a starting point. Ask some of your friends on that list why they chose this event and are they seriously planing to visit it. The “going” lists will also point out where the good dancers plan to travel – so you can know what is the quality of the event.

I would also advice you to start your planing of the year with a little private survey. Ask your favorite dancers where they plan to visit this year. Sometimes you will be surprised how the quality of the dancing tends to concentrate on a few events. This will give you a clear picture where should you visit and what should you put on your calendar for the next year.

What is your experience? If you have more to add on this list I would appreciate if you share it in the comments or in a private message. I would be happy to include it in some of my next articles.

If you liked this article please share it with your friends on Facebook or Twitter, or in a private message, so they can have benefit from my advice. If you need some more advice please consider some of my mentoring programs.

Why do we need cabeceo/mirada?

by Ivica Anteski ·

Tango starts in the eyes: with cabeceo/mirada. The magic of the dance starts even before you step on the dance floor. It starts with the way you invite or accept the dance.

Remember the videos of Osvaldo Zotto and Mora Godoy showing tango sequences? In the very first one, in the very opening the narrator says:

– The tango as a dance is a game of seduction and like any game of seduction it begins in the eyes, in a glance and has very clear rules.

But it is not only because it is a game of seduction. It is, even more, about having a smooth experience. In this post I am going to give you five reasons why should you respect the cabeceo rule.

The story I am about to tell you seems so unbelievable that some might think that I am inventing it. And I do not blame you: if I was you, I would have not believed it as well. But, trust me – it happened!

She was a gorgeous girl and very elegant dancer. I wanted to dance with her. It was a small marathon in the countryside (I will not name the country because I want to protect the privacy of the dancers). The event with less than 50 people, so there was not much choice for her. I knew it would not be hard to get to her. People in this community were not using cabeceo/mirada, but I decided to find her eyes anyway. Cabeceo is so natural – sometimes it works even without knowing it.

She was sitting behind the table with her boyfriend. I stared at her, she looked back and smiled. I did the nod… and we were on the dance floor, dancing a wonderful vals. She was even better dancer than I imagined – it was one of the best dances I had that year. After the dance I accompanied her to her table, said hello to her boyfriend and went behind my laptop, continuing my DJ set.

My face was close to the computer screen deciding what tanda should be next – so I did not noticed a tall man standing near to me.

– Did you liked that dance with her? – her boyfriend asked.

It was dark so I could not see his face. I did not understand why he is asking me this. Is he hostile? Is he friendly? What this means? What is the right answer?

– She is very very good dancer – I answered.

– Than, would you consider to dance with her again? – he asked again.

I was confused. The guy came to invite me to dance with his girlfriend again. OMG! It is so awkward.

– Of course! I would love that – I answered with a smile.

What is so funny is that something similar happened again that evening. A guy approached me and asked me to dance with his wife. She was a great dancer as well.

Later that night, when I talked about all this with a friend, it all become clear to me: these people are unfamiliar with cabeceo/mirada rule. This means that the girls do not have many options to invite people for a dance. If they want to dance with someone, they have to get up and approach to invite – which is super-uncomfortable for the most of the girls. So, they are asking someone close to them to do that for them.

This experience revealed to me that the cabeceo/mirada rule is much more important for the ladies than it is to the guys – it gives them equal chances.

Cabeceo/mirada rule is a part of the tango culture which is not only a symbolic ritual. The etiquette is a shield by which clever people protect themselves from unpleasant situations. The following five points will give you clear picture how the cabeceo/mirada rule will protect you. So, why cabeceo?

1. Because it is a sign of respect – If I have to summarize all tango Codigos in just one rule it would be ‘Respect – give it, to get it!’. All tango rules are about respect in order to avoid unpleasant situations. Why cabeceo means respect?

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Cabeceo/mirada rule means respect for both partners: for the one that initiate the ‘exchange’ and for the invitee as well.

It is very unpleasant to find out that someone danced with you out of politeness, a so called ‘duty tanda’ or ‘duty dance’. This is so devaluating. It means, ‘I do not want to dance with you, but I will because I do not want to hurt your ego’. Every person with self respect should avoid it.

Please, do not consider the tandas with the beginners as a ‘duty tandas’ – they are just ‘social responsibility’ tandas that help their own development, and the development of the community. In fact, for me personaly, some tandas with beginners are more enjoyable than dancing with someone more experienced.

You can avoid ‘mercy tandas’ by making only discreet invitations that give space to the other person to refuse. Trust me – if he/she wants to dance with you, she/he will notice you even without you being aggressive and pushy.

If someone has space to decline your invitation, the dance has bigger value. Start your tandas in a right way.

Making respectful cabeceo/mirada protects the invitee as well. It is very unpleasant to decline someone who has approached in front of everyone. I have seen ladies accepting dances even with some people who ‘torture’ them, just not to be considered cocky and arrogant. Giving space to the lady to decline means that you show respect of her willingness to dance with you. Tango is not just a dance, when you embrace someone it is very personal and the silent conversation during the dance is very intimate. Someone who is pushed to dance with you will not open up easily – so the dance will not be that good.

Check out my post about the intimate nature of tango

The dark side of tango

And yet, despite all this, there are people (men specially) who still do not make cabeceo in a respectful way. Most of them are the bad dancers, who would not get dances with a ‘normal’ respectful invitation. Others are those who do not care how others feel during the dance. I do not know, maybe they consider tango a sport where two people dance separate dances.

Most common justifications for not using cabeceo/mirada, that I get from people are ‘we are friends, why should I make a cabeceo?’ or ‘we are a small community, we all know each other’. This means that people consider that cabeceo should be used only between strangers, only with people we do not already know. That is wrong. The truth is rather opposite – you should insist on cabeceo with the closest people because you respect them more than the strangers. I meet a lot of couples who invite their loved ones with cabeceo only. The closeness is not an alibi for disrespecting people.

But why would they not want to dance with you? Even those who usually like to dance with you sometimes have their reasons, and they are not always connected with you. Did you asked yourself did he/she wants to dance that tanda with someone else? Or, did he/she does not like this orchestra? Or, she/he needs to rest one tanda? Do not put your people against the wall.

2. Save everyone from embarrassment – Discreet invitation also protects you from embarrassment in front of everyone. The cabeceo/mirada rule evolved as a way that makes the refusal with the least unconfortibility. Imagine what it would mean if you (no matter are you a male or a female) approach someone and in front of everyone get rejected. How shameful would your walk back to your chair be? And how uncomfortable would it be for the other side to refuse in front of everyone. So, guys, use cabeceo – do not devaluate yourself in front of everyone by getting publicly rejected.

I have here one more recommendation for the ladies. He invites you, you accept with a nod. What’s next? You keep your eyes on him and stay still. Do not approach, do not stand up, do not move. Just keep your eyes on him – it is a gentlemens’ job to come to your table and offer his hand. This is the only way to know that the cabeceo was for you, and not for that lady that sits behind you. Oh, how many times I made a cabeceo and when I approached all four ladies at the table to stood up. Very unpleasant situation for everyone.

Keeping your eyes on the man while he approaches also helps him to be sure that you accepted his invitation, not from the guy who was standing behind his chair.

3. Because it makes women equal – We say ‘the men invite’, but that is not entirely true. That is an illusion that can be seen only by those who do not understand how the cabeceo/mirada rule actually works.

Woman during the invitation is not a passive object who needs to be ‘picked up’ like in a supermarket. She is active and she can also chose whom to invite. Her part of the equation is called mirada (from the Spanish word ‘mira’ = look). Ladies, chose the one whom you want to dance with and keep your eyes on him – that is mirada. When the desired partner notice that he has been watched he knows that she invites him to dance with her – there is no other reason why she would watch him continuously at the milonga. Now, he has to decide will he dance with her and, if yes, to make that small nod with the head called ‘cabeceo’. In this process often men are the passive/invited side.

This is why women who want to dance should know that if they need more and better dances, they should be active. They should chose and make miradas – to avoid situations like the one I described at the introduction of this post. This way they will sometimes also avoid the frustration of going on a milonga and not getting enough or dances with a good quality.

4. Because it makes strangers equal – One of the magical things about the dance we love so much is that it makes the tango communities – open communities. Whenever you go to a milonga you can dance with complete strangers and have a good time. You do not need to a local friend who would introduce you to them… Hm. It should be like that, but unfortunately, it is not always.

Let me explain this point with a short story. It was a warm summer night and after a day at the beach we were happy that we will visit a local milonga and dance until the morning. We put our shoes and few pairs of reserve t-shirts in our backpacks and went to the center of the town excited about this new experience.

The milonga was nice. The air conditioning was great and I was happy that I will get those reserve t-shirts back unused. I danced the first tanda with one of our girls, than I started to dance with the locals. The first was an older lady who was not so good dancer, but I was a guest, so I did not wanted to be too choosy. The second one was a beautiful young lady who was sitting next to out table. And then… No one. Girls were talking between each other, looking down – but no one looked at me. Not a single dance all night… others from our group also. The locals danced between themselves ignoring us completely. And then, a local guy came to our table and asked one of the girls for a dance.

– Would you like to dance this tanda with me? – he said.

It was not cabeceo, but she was happy that someone finally invited her. I was happy also. I finally understood what was the problem. In their community the cabeceo/mirada rule was completely unknown. The only way we would have a chance to dance was by going to the tables around to say ‘would you like to dance this tanda with me?’. Otherwise, they would have danced with their friends and other people in their community, people who are close to them and whom they all know by name.

Using the cabeceo/mirada rule makes impossible the community to close in itself. It makes dancers more open to strangers and people who do not otherwise belong to their circle.

5. Because the tango starts in the eyes – Does this sound romantic? Yes, because it is. But it is also much more than a romantic reason why should you use cabeceo/mirada.

When you dance tango you are connecting with a person. Tango is, before everything else, personal. You should dance with the music, but you are dancing for the partner. You are dancing with other couples on the dance floor, but you are dancing for your partner. It is because the communication is the primary goal of this journey.

Every communication is better if your partner trusts you. Tango is not an exception. So, never forget – the first step towards trust and be trusted is looking at his/hers eyes.

It might be a symbolic step, but the effect it has on the level of the communication is very real. What happens in the tango is between the two people dancing, no one else. Inviting with the cabeceo/mirada, creates that connection which excludes everyone else in the room and creates that bond between the two. And it is done in a perfectly discreet way.

Sometimes the respectful dancers recognize others of their kind, just by noticing that they are makig cabeceo/mirada. This is a kind of a password between them.

If you liked this post please show your appreciation by sharing it with your friends. I do not imply that I have the ultimate knowledge about the tango culture – if you have different view or opposite experience, please comment or write to me a private message.

How to dance like a man?

by Ivica Anteski ·

How to dance like a man
photo by Sergio Scandiuzzi ©

I doubt that there is a tango dancer who do not asks himself how the partners feel him? The next question is usually how to dance more like a man? What is that makes a dance manly?

Tango is created in early 20th century Buenos Aires, which had a strong machist culture. Of course, I am not saying that we should recreate the same relations, but part of the magic of tango is in the polarity of the mans and womans role – and we should preserve the best what tango brings from its history.

In this post I am going to share with you some of my insights on what makes a male dancer more masculine and what makes her feel his energy better. Please have in mind that those questions do not have a definite answer: I am sharing here some of the tips I give to my students, based on mine and the experiences of other good dancers.

We entered the big room. For me this was the unpleasant part. Not that I hate to meet old friends, it just to me feels awkward to go around with a smile and saying hello to everyone – and I usually do not. I say hello to the first ones I meet and I sit with them, just to avoid the hesitation should I approach everyone, there are 100 people I know in this room. I say hallo to others later, as the night unfolds.

– Show me the good dancers, she said.

It was her first big international event. She was my student and I wanted her to enjoy as much as possible. So, I started:

– Dance with this one. He is from France, girls love him… This one also, a German, he and his wife are both very very good… Look that one there, he is Italian, I don’t know how his embrace feels, but looks so elegant and with perfect musicality…

– What about that guy there?, she interrupted me.

– I don’t know. I see him often on these events, but to be honest… hm… he seems to me like too feminized, I don’t like that in his dance, I said with a smile.

I did not finished this sentence yet, and miradas were already exchanged and cabeceo made. They were dancing.

When they finished he accompanied her to our table, said hello to me and left. I looked at her with a question-face.

– Wow, that was very very good dancing. And very very manly dancing as well. Maybe he is a bit feminine, but when he dances, he is not at all, she said excited.

[Tweet “The male aspect in tango is the rock and the female is the wind”]

I don’t know what exactly he does during the dance, but in this post I am going to give you some tips from my experience, tips that helped some of my students as well. So here is how to dance like a man:

1. Be confident – Know where you go and what you do. When a woman dances she gives herself to her partner. She has to feel that he knows exactly what he is doing and that his embrace for her is a safe zone.

The masculine energy in tango, and often in life as well, is about protecting and initiating.

It is not only what – it is how. He has to demonstrate a clear purpose, but also to show that he knows how he is going to get her there.

When a man knows how to lead, women don’t ask where.

I have no idea where this popular social meme comes from, but it is completely applicable to tango as well.

There is nothing worse for a woman in tango than someone who is not so sure what he wants her to do. In order to experience true tango ecstasy she has to somehow forget about her body, the movements, the music, the environment; and to feel everything as a part of one symphony. Everything has to be perfectly coordinated. If you, as her man do not give her that – she will be constantly reminded of the reality and imperfections it contains.

But how do you achieve that? There are many ways. Just to give you the idea I will quote the martial arts wisdom of, whom else than, Bruce Lee himself:

I fear not the man who has practiced 10000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10000 times.

2. Take responsibility – Gentlemen open doors and hold the coats of their significant others. Men do everything to get things out of their ladies way. Lets be honest – there is no woman who would resist a man who makes her feel like a princess. Tango is no exception.

The man takes a role of creating the movements, to lead the body of his partner. As we know, rights and responsibilities always go together. In order to allow him to lead her body, the woman has to feel that the man is taking the responsibility for everything that is going on.

Darth Vader and Cinderella on the floor

One old milonguero once said that if a woman makes a mistake, he will follow her and make mistake as well. If at the end of the dance she is not aware that she made mistakes, she will fell that it was her perfect dance. A reward will come for that milonguero in form of an embrace full with emotional charge.

After the dance I sometimes see the face of my partner in a gesture that says “I am sorry”. In fact I-am-sorry face is more suitable for the man in tango, because he should take the responsibility for what is going on. And yet, we see it more often on ladies face.

But to dance like a man is not to say I am sorry many times. It is to change what you do and not to get yourself in situation to have to apologize. Adapt to the partner, give her what she needs to dance good. Make her feel like that was the best dance in her life.

3. Be grounded, be the center – There are many ways to have a perfect connection with someone, but the best ones are achieved when you have physical and emotional connection in the same time. This means that partners connect not only on emotional level, which is non-material way; but also on a physical level, which happens in the material world. Yes I am talking again about apilado.

The secrets of apilado dancing

The man has to show that he is reliable in the physical way as well – he has to show enough balance and skill to control his own axis, but hers as well. What? How?

What is one of the most important characteristics of tango is that the dancers are grounded. This specially applies for the man, since he is the drive of the movement. But, because of the influence of the professionals who have experience with other dancers which are not danced in grounded way, tango is changing – it becomes less grounded. Those professionals are usually former ballet dancers, competition dancers or gymnasts – and they introduce to tango elements which are not part of its genuine nature.

Tango is Tango… if you try to made it better you are doing something else… (like ball room European tango), said Ruben Terbalca.

Not being grounded results with feminine energy. In a metaphorical way speaking, in tango the male aspect is the rock and the female is the wind. The man should be the one that caries the woman trough the air, who makes her body move around.

The masculine energy comes from being the physical center of the couple. No wonder that in most of the giros woman circles around the man, not vice versa.

Since he is the rock, when she loses her balance, he is the one who should get her back, or, in apilado, to make her feel safe.

How do you achieve such balanced state? I will give you a hint – its not about how you control your own balance, it is about how you manipulate yours and hers axis.

The form you have selected does not exist.

4. Be a gentleman – If you want to be a man, be a gentleman. Your job is to make her feel comfortable. As I said above, she has to feel your embrace as a safe zone.

I am very sorry to see how many nice talented ladies give up dancing because some guys without manners takes advantage of the fact that the woman during the dance puts herself in a very vulnerable position. Some of them know how to deal with it, but, unfortunately, many find that giving up tango is the better option.

Show respect. Make cabeceo. Be polite. Give her space to brake the embrace after the song finishes. If you have to speak, tell her something relaxing. Smile.

Of course, there are many ways to make people feel relaxed and safe. It does not matter what will you use, just make it happen.

And most important – make her lead the emotion. Her heart will tell you in a subtle way where is the limit of the intimacy, do not try to force her. You can initiate emotion, for sure, but do not try to take the lead. Always give her that feeling that she is having the lead.

And of course, be aware – what happens on the dancefloor stays on the dancefloor. It can become something more, and it sometimes happens, but don’t think that if she shows passion during the dance, you will finish in the bedroom. Tango is a game of seduction, but it is just a game.

Check out how the tango is a game of seduction in this post

The dark side of tango

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