Tango starts in the eyes: with cabeceo/mirada. The magic of the dance starts even before you step on the dance floor. It starts with the way you invite or accept the dance.
Remember the videos of Osvaldo Zotto and Mora Godoy showing tango sequences? In the very first one, in the very opening the narrator says:
– The tango as a dance is a game of seduction and like any game of seduction it begins in the eyes, in a glance and has very clear rules.
But it is not only because it is a game of seduction. It is, even more, about having a smooth experience. In this post I am going to give you five reasons why should you respect the cabeceo rule.
The story I am about to tell you seems so unbelievable that some might think that I am inventing it. And I do not blame you: if I was you, I would have not believed it as well. But, trust me – it happened!
She was a gorgeous girl and very elegant dancer. I wanted to dance with her. It was a small marathon in the countryside (I will not name the country because I want to protect the privacy of the dancers). The event with less than 50 people, so there was not much choice for her. I knew it would not be hard to get to her. People in this community were not using cabeceo/mirada, but I decided to find her eyes anyway. Cabeceo is so natural – sometimes it works even without knowing it.
She was sitting behind the table with her boyfriend. I stared at her, she looked back and smiled. I did the nod… and we were on the dance floor, dancing a wonderful vals. She was even better dancer than I imagined – it was one of the best dances I had that year. After the dance I accompanied her to her table, said hello to her boyfriend and went behind my laptop, continuing my DJ set.
My face was close to the computer screen deciding what tanda should be next – so I did not noticed a tall man standing near to me.
– Did you liked that dance with her? – her boyfriend asked.
It was dark so I could not see his face. I did not understand why he is asking me this. Is he hostile? Is he friendly? What this means? What is the right answer?
– She is very very good dancer – I answered.
– Than, would you consider to dance with her again? – he asked again.
I was confused. The guy came to invite me to dance with his girlfriend again. OMG! It is so awkward.
– Of course! I would love that – I answered with a smile.
What is so funny is that something similar happened again that evening. A guy approached me and asked me to dance with his wife. She was a great dancer as well.
Later that night, when I talked about all this with a friend, it all become clear to me: these people are unfamiliar with cabeceo/mirada rule. This means that the girls do not have many options to invite people for a dance. If they want to dance with someone, they have to get up and approach to invite – which is super-uncomfortable for the most of the girls. So, they are asking someone close to them to do that for them.
This experience revealed to me that the cabeceo/mirada rule is much more important for the ladies than it is to the guys – it gives them equal chances.
Cabeceo/mirada rule is a part of the tango culture which is not only a symbolic ritual. The etiquette is a shield by which clever people protect themselves from unpleasant situations. The following five points will give you clear picture how the cabeceo/mirada rule will protect you. So, why cabeceo?
1. Because it is a sign of respect – If I have to summarize all tango Codigos in just one rule it would be ‘Respect – give it, to get it!’. All tango rules are about respect in order to avoid unpleasant situations. Why cabeceo means respect?
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Cabeceo/mirada rule means respect for both partners: for the one that initiate the ‘exchange’ and for the invitee as well.
It is very unpleasant to find out that someone danced with you out of politeness, a so called ‘duty tanda’ or ‘duty dance’. This is so devaluating. It means, ‘I do not want to dance with you, but I will because I do not want to hurt your ego’. Every person with self respect should avoid it.
Please, do not consider the tandas with the beginners as a ‘duty tandas’ – they are just ‘social responsibility’ tandas that help their own development, and the development of the community. In fact, for me personaly, some tandas with beginners are more enjoyable than dancing with someone more experienced.
You can avoid ‘mercy tandas’ by making only discreet invitations that give space to the other person to refuse. Trust me – if he/she wants to dance with you, she/he will notice you even without you being aggressive and pushy.
If someone has space to decline your invitation, the dance has bigger value. Start your tandas in a right way.
Making respectful cabeceo/mirada protects the invitee as well. It is very unpleasant to decline someone who has approached in front of everyone. I have seen ladies accepting dances even with some people who ‘torture’ them, just not to be considered cocky and arrogant. Giving space to the lady to decline means that you show respect of her willingness to dance with you. Tango is not just a dance, when you embrace someone it is very personal and the silent conversation during the dance is very intimate. Someone who is pushed to dance with you will not open up easily – so the dance will not be that good.
Check out my post about the intimate nature of tango
The dark side of tango
And yet, despite all this, there are people (men specially) who still do not make cabeceo in a respectful way. Most of them are the bad dancers, who would not get dances with a ‘normal’ respectful invitation. Others are those who do not care how others feel during the dance. I do not know, maybe they consider tango a sport where two people dance separate dances.
Most common justifications for not using cabeceo/mirada, that I get from people are ‘we are friends, why should I make a cabeceo?’ or ‘we are a small community, we all know each other’. This means that people consider that cabeceo should be used only between strangers, only with people we do not already know. That is wrong. The truth is rather opposite – you should insist on cabeceo with the closest people because you respect them more than the strangers. I meet a lot of couples who invite their loved ones with cabeceo only. The closeness is not an alibi for disrespecting people.
But why would they not want to dance with you? Even those who usually like to dance with you sometimes have their reasons, and they are not always connected with you. Did you asked yourself did he/she wants to dance that tanda with someone else? Or, did he/she does not like this orchestra? Or, she/he needs to rest one tanda? Do not put your people against the wall.
2. Save everyone from embarrassment – Discreet invitation also protects you from embarrassment in front of everyone. The cabeceo/mirada rule evolved as a way that makes the refusal with the least unconfortibility. Imagine what it would mean if you (no matter are you a male or a female) approach someone and in front of everyone get rejected. How shameful would your walk back to your chair be? And how uncomfortable would it be for the other side to refuse in front of everyone. So, guys, use cabeceo – do not devaluate yourself in front of everyone by getting publicly rejected.
I have here one more recommendation for the ladies. He invites you, you accept with a nod. What’s next? You keep your eyes on him and stay still. Do not approach, do not stand up, do not move. Just keep your eyes on him – it is a gentlemens’ job to come to your table and offer his hand. This is the only way to know that the cabeceo was for you, and not for that lady that sits behind you. Oh, how many times I made a cabeceo and when I approached all four ladies at the table to stood up. Very unpleasant situation for everyone.
Keeping your eyes on the man while he approaches also helps him to be sure that you accepted his invitation, not from the guy who was standing behind his chair.
3. Because it makes women equal – We say ‘the men invite’, but that is not entirely true. That is an illusion that can be seen only by those who do not understand how the cabeceo/mirada rule actually works.
Woman during the invitation is not a passive object who needs to be ‘picked up’ like in a supermarket. She is active and she can also chose whom to invite. Her part of the equation is called mirada (from the Spanish word ‘mira’ = look). Ladies, chose the one whom you want to dance with and keep your eyes on him – that is mirada. When the desired partner notice that he has been watched he knows that she invites him to dance with her – there is no other reason why she would watch him continuously at the milonga. Now, he has to decide will he dance with her and, if yes, to make that small nod with the head called ‘cabeceo’. In this process often men are the passive/invited side.
This is why women who want to dance should know that if they need more and better dances, they should be active. They should chose and make miradas – to avoid situations like the one I described at the introduction of this post. This way they will sometimes also avoid the frustration of going on a milonga and not getting enough or dances with a good quality.
4. Because it makes strangers equal – One of the magical things about the dance we love so much is that it makes the tango communities – open communities. Whenever you go to a milonga you can dance with complete strangers and have a good time. You do not need to a local friend who would introduce you to them… Hm. It should be like that, but unfortunately, it is not always.
Let me explain this point with a short story. It was a warm summer night and after a day at the beach we were happy that we will visit a local milonga and dance until the morning. We put our shoes and few pairs of reserve t-shirts in our backpacks and went to the center of the town excited about this new experience.
The milonga was nice. The air conditioning was great and I was happy that I will get those reserve t-shirts back unused. I danced the first tanda with one of our girls, than I started to dance with the locals. The first was an older lady who was not so good dancer, but I was a guest, so I did not wanted to be too choosy. The second one was a beautiful young lady who was sitting next to out table. And then… No one. Girls were talking between each other, looking down – but no one looked at me. Not a single dance all night… others from our group also. The locals danced between themselves ignoring us completely. And then, a local guy came to our table and asked one of the girls for a dance.
– Would you like to dance this tanda with me? – he said.
It was not cabeceo, but she was happy that someone finally invited her. I was happy also. I finally understood what was the problem. In their community the cabeceo/mirada rule was completely unknown. The only way we would have a chance to dance was by going to the tables around to say ‘would you like to dance this tanda with me?’. Otherwise, they would have danced with their friends and other people in their community, people who are close to them and whom they all know by name.
Using the cabeceo/mirada rule makes impossible the community to close in itself. It makes dancers more open to strangers and people who do not otherwise belong to their circle.
5. Because the tango starts in the eyes – Does this sound romantic? Yes, because it is. But it is also much more than a romantic reason why should you use cabeceo/mirada.
When you dance tango you are connecting with a person. Tango is, before everything else, personal. You should dance with the music, but you are dancing for the partner. You are dancing with other couples on the dance floor, but you are dancing for your partner. It is because the communication is the primary goal of this journey.
Every communication is better if your partner trusts you. Tango is not an exception. So, never forget – the first step towards trust and be trusted is looking at his/hers eyes.
It might be a symbolic step, but the effect it has on the level of the communication is very real. What happens in the tango is between the two people dancing, no one else. Inviting with the cabeceo/mirada, creates that connection which excludes everyone else in the room and creates that bond between the two. And it is done in a perfectly discreet way.
Sometimes the respectful dancers recognize others of their kind, just by noticing that they are makig cabeceo/mirada. This is a kind of a password between them.
If you liked this post please show your appreciation by sharing it with your friends. I do not imply that I have the ultimate knowledge about the tango culture – if you have different view or opposite experience, please comment or write to me a private message.
I like the idea of cabaceo as a means to avoid embarrassing situations. But as a person with bad eyesight it is hard, especially in darker spaces.
Cabeceo–The origin and practicality according to a Hongkonger
To cabeceo or not to cabeceo? The answer is almost unanimous if one asks any Argentinian or those who tango. Few dare to refute, yet no one can provide the logic, apart from saying it is a MUST because that’s how it is done. Chinese passed the tea drinking ritual around the world to none other country more famously than Britain. But they add sugar and milk to it, so how do you think the Queen would react if I insist she is doing her tea wrongly? She probably would not give a damn about my grammatically comical criticism because she knows that tea or any culture is a living entity. It belongs to every user regardless of how much any one or group wants to monopolizes it by claiming the authority over it.
All rules or customs have a reason to begin with, and cabeceo should be no exception. Some say it is a gallant way to save women from embarrassment. But if women who came out to do this wicked dance were too meek to refuse an unwanted inviter, how could they defend themselves from those macho groping hands once the dance started? Others claimed it is a sophisticated or more sufficient form of communication than asking directly so why didn’t the equally (if not more so) sophisticated European gentlemen use it when waltzing around anti-clockwise? And why didn’t other discreet Latin American social dancers adapt it when dancing Salsa, Cha-Cha-Cha, Rumba, etc? And how come even the capable Tango instructors have mistaken signals?
Everyone agrees that Tango has a humble beginning in the brothels with rough and tumble characters. A time-killing vertical foreplay while they were waiting for the anticipated horizontal fun. The ONLY plausible explanation for the deviant practice of cabeceo has to do with its unique birthplace. There were far fewer women than men to begin with, and that’s why some heterosexual men partnered up to dance together. One can imagine that in order to get a partner, a lot of hitting (of women) and fighting (between men) occurred as a result of women turning down insufferable bullies with bad breath, odor and temper. The secretive cabeceo was born through silent consent amongst dancers. A code to protect the chauvinistic male’s fragile ego so that he doesn’t need to go up to her and risk being humiliated in front of others, thus minimizing the arguments and damages for all parties.
Cabeceo is no doubt a face-saving yet often time-wasting device when one is in unfamiliar territory, especially in a foreign country. As for visitors who wonder whether one should or shouldn’t cabeceo, my humble opinion is that tradition matters even though the reasons for doing it originally no longer apply today. It is fine to do it when the venue is small, the setting of the tables and chairs is right, and the lighting is bright enough for dancers to see each other in the eyes. Asians should try to embrace it even though we do not have an eye contact culture as the Latinos. But adding a verbal invitation is no crime and is safe from prosecution here despite what the fundamentalists, extremists and fanatics tell you.
Hi Jordan, thanks for taking time to write a long and articulate comment. Although I understand your point, I must say I disagree with almost all of your points.
1. You say that no one can provide logic for doing mirada/cabeceo… I think this article is all about providing that logic. It’s there: if you don’t see it, I must assume you refuse to see it… Just like you would refuse to see someone watching you at milonga and you don’t like to dance with them.
2. As you said yourself – all rules have reason… don’t assume that every woman has a courage to say no when someone approached
her table. That is especially true for communities where there are much more women than men. It’s a polite way!
In fact, when there are no rules, there are still rules – the rules created by bullies.
3. I think you believe wrong thing about how tango started… what you said is just myth. First, tango didn’t started at brothels – it is where the higher society become aware of it. Second, it’s true that there were fewer women, but saying “that’s why some heterosexual men partnered up to dance together” is totally wrong. Men didn’t partnered to dance together – they partnered to practice together, so when that special moment to dance with a woman arrived – they would be ready.
I would refer you to this link to find out more about the cliches about tango:
http://www.history-of-tango.com/tango-origins.html
4. I totally disagree with you that today there are no reasons for cabeceo… In fact, that’s specially useful when you dance in communities where you don’t know anyone.
I don’t know much about your local culture, but I’m sure cabeceo can be adapted to your tradition.
And no, there are no punishable mistakes in tango… at the end it’s just having good time… on the other hand, every one of us have right to decide with whom he or she would like to have fun with.
Me personally, I always choose ones who respect me and choose to approach the conventional way with eye contact. I respect people who respect, more than those who have perfect technique.
🙂
I have hears so many men say “if she doesn’t want to dance with me she can just say no” only to hear those same men call women elitist snobs for saying no.
Even in communities that do not practice mirada/cabeceo, people should still be alert to the nonverbal signals that someone may not want to dance with you, and should avoid putting them on the spot and either pressuring them into a dance they don’t want, or forcing them to embarrass you by refusing. Sadly, women, especially older women, are culturally trained to be “nice” – to smile, to acquiesce, and to be afraid of the male hostility that is not uncommonly a reaction to rejection, whether perceived or actual.
I have been to milongas, even in large cities with many experienced dancers, in which I am unable to connect by cabeceo. I am. not unattractive and have 20 years of intensive study and many years or teaching experience, yet, even in big communities, cabeceo is not practiced. Women will sit talking to friends or sit alone with their eyes averted to the floor and wait to be approached. Ergo: It is not always the leads tho are unwilling to dance with the ladies, but the ladies who just don’t understand the “code”
Enjoyed your commentary. I just recently went to a workshop and danced minimally at the milonga. I am an experienced dancer. I was frustrated. I have been to this community several times. I learned later one of the teachers tried to cabaceo me. I don’t know how I missed those beautiful eyes as I was looking for a dance other than I never thought they would want to dance w me. I am a more “seasoned dancer” I would say. In other words I am not a young dancer anymore. Feeling that was the problem. So I decided to change my attitude and embrace my tango so to say. The next workshop where I wasn’t a part of the community. I stepped up my game and honor the Cabaceo and more importantly the Mirada. Some communities do not honor that as much. I have another festival coming up. I won’t be sitting very long !
Abrazos
Ah Pamela, festivals are the worse for miradas/cabeceos 🙁
why are festivals the worst for miradas/cabaceos?
Because 1) there are too many people, 2) there are a lots of beginners who don’t even know how to dance and even less about codigos and 3) because it is usually dark and with no seats for the dancers.
“After the dance I accompanied her to her table, said hello to her boyfriend and went behind my laptop, continuing my DJ set.” So my question is are you being paid to DJ or to be a Taxi dancer? If you’re being paid to DJ ….you shouldn’t be dancing. If you’re being paid to Taxi dance someone else should be Djing.
Hi, you probably don’t have much experience in tango and traveling to events, otherwise you would know that many DJs are dancing as well and this is very common .
Usually DJs are very good dancers and I always look for an opportunity to dance.
Most of my favorite DJ’s are also some of my favorite partners. Most DJ’s (myself included) enjoy dancing the occasional tanda. Once you have gotten a feel for the room you can preprogram a few tandas and cortinas at a time. Plus, actually dancing to your own music is one of the best ways to get a real feel for how the dancers are responding, of course, the DJ cannot dance every tanda. The mood of the room can change at different times, necessitating a change in the playlist or an occasional tweak of a tanda. But that still leaves opportunities to dance.
One of the dumbest comments I’ve ever read… ;))
Thanks Ivica. This should be compulsory reading for all. I would add a further reason for using Miranda/cabaceo is that it makes others feel more inclined to want to dance with you. As a follower, if I notice leaders who I’ve never met or danced with before using the cabaceo correctly, I am far more inclined to assume that they are also conversant with the etiquette of the Ronda (even if I haven’t observed them dancing yet) and thay they will, if nothing else, at least be able to lead me round the floor safely. This will lead me to feel more inclined to take a chance on them. Another point I would make is there is a big problem with leaders not knowing how to perform the cabaceo correctly. Many men seem to be under the misapprehension that the cabaceo means walking up to the lady, standing in front of her or very close, tilting their head and staring in hopeful expectation until you look at them. When you notice them comming and look away they just don’t seem to take the hint, in some cases they’ll just walk to the other side of you and try to stare at you from the opposite direction. I just don’t know what is wrong with these guys, but it’s all very uncomfortable for the unwilling invitee. Even if I do allow myself to be persuaded into giving a charity dance what these guys don’t realise is that in future Milongas I will make a point of knowing where they are in the room at all times so If I notice them heading in my direction, I’ll make a bee line for the bathroom, or suddenly feel I need to go outside for some fresh air, or use one of my many other avoidance strategies!
Thanks Ivica,
I dance tango couple of years (cca 10) and use cabeceo with some exceptions. Sometimes it is simply not very practical – I do not see anything that bad in approaching a lady and asking politely for a dance. Of course with a risk that she refuses. Once … this happened.
I had an impression that a lady looked at me shortly but I was not sure whether it was cabeceo or not. So I decided for a practical way – I would approach her and ask – in worst case scenario she refuses. It is not a best feeling to be refused as you pointed out, but on the other hand the Earth does not stop turning around its axis in that very moment.
So I went, approached her and stood there looking at her. She pretended not to see me. After a long long time which in fact was probably not more than 10 seconds I said “Hello?”…nothing. Then little bit louder “Hellooooo? …nothing. In fact it was already clear to me that THIS IS REFUSAL, but all I was asking for was a bit of a respect – to look at me shortly and say “No”, or at least look at me shortly and negatively shake her head. It would take her 2 seconds.
Well, I was hoping for too much, that bit of respect was not given to me, she continued to pretend that I was not there, that I do not exist.
THIS IS NOT ONLY REFUSAL, THIS IS AN EDUCATIONAL LESSON was my next thought. Okay, message received and I turned and walked away. Of course I will never ask that lady to dance again, so if that was her goal she safely achieved it.
So what would you say to this practical application of the cabeceo rule? Was I extremely impolite and was she correctly executing ‘best practices’ of the rule?
Yes Milan, I would suggest never to invite in that manner, not her, not others as well. She had right to be upset on you, since you showed her no respect by inviting her from distance and giving her permission to refuse indiscreetly, without unpleasant situation.
Another thing – refusals should never be understand personally. No one can predict the real reason for refusal. It could be she doesn’t like the music, maybe she is tired, maybe she is trying mirada on another man, maybe she just refused someone else and it is impolite to dance with another man, maybe she is waiting better tanda to dance with you… it doesn’t always have to be some “bad” reason…
Approaching someone when you think you have made eye contact (or aren’t sure) is acceptable. But the moment she pretended not to see you and you forced yourself upon her, you put yourself in the wrong. You should not have demanded anything further. To demand a response that she clearly did not want to give was the act of a bully.
Good article Ivica, thank you.
I want to share it with my friends and studentes.